


Unconnected Pieces - Treebros

by bologna_virus



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Also me nerding out over books but with an excuse, Angst, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I really said how many chapter titles could I make into song lyrics, I wrote the beginning chapters way before the ending chapters and it shows, Jared is an ass, Larry is not an ass because I have daddy issues, M/M, Mark is an ass because I have daddy issues, Me projecting onto literally everyone, Pining, Treebros, but its okay because, depression and mentions of suicide and self harm but this is deh so you know what youre getting into, premarital handholding, well its not okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 14:41:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 37,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28708350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bologna_virus/pseuds/bologna_virus
Summary: In high school, crushes come and go. So when Evan Hansen caught feelings for his best friend in junior year, he assumed it would pass. But now, at the beginning of his senior year, his feelings seem to grow stronger.He's fine with living in relentless pining, until one screwup causes the ground to shift under his feet. Now caught up in a web of lies, he tries desperately to hide his feelings while dealing with friend troubles, family troubles, and everything in between.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Kudos: 34





	1. Chapter 1: "Murphy's Law"

The neighborhood was silent as Connor and I walked through it. We usually talked on the walks home, but right now the only sound piercing through the hazy afternoon was the rock we kept kicking back and forth as it smacked the asphalt.

That didn't mask the slight tension I felt rolling off Connor. That usually happened when we went to his house and he had to face his parents. He was constantly being criticized and, god, the look on his face always broke my heart.

I stared down at the ground and picked at my cast as we walked, my head ducked. I had a tendency to look down as I walked. Which didn't always work in my favor, as I tripped over the curb.

This prompted roaring laughter from Connor, who didn't even bother to help me up. I glared at him, trying to hide the smile I felt tugging at the corners of my lips. His face was all crinkled and smiling, and the autumn sun shone on him. He looked beautiful.

Yes homo. I'm gay for him. Like really gay for him. Like, sometimes almost a little too gay, and I find myself wrapped up in cliches.

I've liked him since junior year. Now a month into senior year, and it's still going strong. It's not the painful pining people describe it as. It's more low key. Yeah, I wish we were dating. But right now we have fun as friends, and that's enough for me. I can deal.

Shaking his head, he grabs my hand and hoists me up, as if I needed help. "Thank you so much for helping me and not laughing at me," I said, rolling my eyes and continuing to walk.

He jogged to catch up with me. "First of all, you're welcome. And second of all, you'd think that you'd wait for me after I just assisted you but nooo. Next time I'll just leave you on the ground."

"Please, do."

He chuckled, but it was quickly stifled as we walked across his lawn. Time to walk past overbearing Cynthia and animosity-filled Larry.

The door opened and Connor tried to walk as fast as possible towards the stairs without being seen, but of course his mother noticed.

"Connor! How was your day?" Cynthia asked, overenthusiastic as always.

Before Connor could even respond, Larry's voice boomed out from the next room, making Connor flinch. "Connor!"

"What? What could I have possibly done this time?" Connor asks. He sounds angry, but underneath all that rage I could detect fear.

Larry emerged from the living room, holding... oh no.

"Weed? Seriously Connor? I thought you were better than that!"

Cynthia and I watched this tennis match unfold, going back and forth as words are thrown and the volume goes louder and louder.

Connor scoffed. "Really? You can't treat me like I'm useless my entire life, like I can't do a single goddamn thing right, and then say 'I thought you were better than that'. Because you sure as hell aren't acting like you thought I was better than that."

"You do NOT get to talk to me like that! I am your father and I can not believe the level of disrespect you-"

"You have never acted like my father once, never even tried to get me the help I so clearly need-"

"Such a disappointment, why can't you just be normal?"

Finally, quiet. Not the good kind though. Connor's silently fuming, shocked into silence. Clearly upset. I don't know what to say, I don't know if I should say anything. Before I could even think, Larry continues.

"You smoke pot, you have hardly any friends," Larry says, shooting an unreadable look at me as he says this. "You don't regularly go to school, don't even have a girlfriend-"

"I'm gay. Of course I don't have a girlfriend." Once again, Larry's face is unrecognizable. Cynthia seems to be in perpetual shocked silence.

"And... and I am dating someone! In fact... I'm dating Evan!"

Woah. Woah. This was news to me. As much as I would absolutely love to date Connor, I'm- I should say something oh my god.

I grabbed his hand. I nodded my head. Once again, head ducked and staring at the floor. His hand felt warm in mine. My face felt warm. I squeezed his hand. He squeezed back.

"I... I didn't know," Larry said. I wanted to say yeah, I didn't either, but decided to stay quiet. "I didn't... I'm sorry. I, That's... I hope, I hope you two are happy together."

"Yeah. We are. Not that you would know."

Finally, I spoke up. "Connor..." I whispered, and pulled my hand out of his and dropped it onto his shoulder, a warning to calm down.

"Sorry."

An awkward moment of silence.

"Well... I'll let you boys go, but you're still in trouble for the weed." Connor solemnly nodded, and dragged me upstairs.

"Connor! Wait." Cynthia spoke for the first time in minutes. "Um... please don't... do anything... inappropriate."

I was confused for a second as to what she meant, until I realized. Oh my god, she thinks we're gonna bang. My head snapped up, and I frantically stammered denials, blushing hard.

"Mom! What the f-"

"Bye Mrs. Murphy!" I said, cutting Connor off before he could explode at his mom. We walked back to his room, and I hoped he didn't notice my red face. And it didn't help that I couldn't stop thinking about doing that with him.

Once the door closed, Connor started spewing out apologies.

"Oh my god Evan, I'm so sorry it just slipped out I didn't mean to, I'm so sorry oh my god it's fine if you want to tell them the truth I'm so sorry. Jesus, I didn't-"

"Woah, Connor you're starting to sound like me," I said, in an attempt to calm him down. He still looked at me apologetically.

"I'm sorry, I just, I panicked and I couldn't stand how disappointed he was in me, because even after everything I still want to make him proud. And it just... slipped out."

"Hey, it's fine. I'll be your, your pretend boyfriend. We only have to pretend to do boyfriend things in front of your parents, anyways," I said. He nodded.

"Ok... like, what?" Connor asks, and that's where I blanked. What do I say? I can't sound like I'm too desperate to do couple stuff.

"Oh, uh... like, maybe... uh..." This was a minefield. I obviously can't say kissing, that would alert to him that I was way too thrilled to be in this situation. It was scary, yet exhilarating.

"We don't have to do anything too couple-y, we can say that we don't want to do it because it's in front of them," he says, and I try not to deflate too much.

"Good, good. Well, I should, should head home. You know, homework."

"I thought we were going to do homework here?" He asks.

"Yeah, but I forgot my mom wanted me home." A lie. "Sorry."

"B-"

"Bye, Connor!" I quickly rushed out the door before he could continue. He was clearly repulsed by the idea of even barely being a couple with me.

I walked out the door without alerting the Murphy's, and started my trek home. I thought about calling my mom, but she was at work.

So I walked.


	2. Chapter 2: "Gotta Secret, Can Ya Keep It?"

The house was silent, amplifying the creaking of the front door, echoing the hinges that hadn't been oiled since Dad had left. The first thing I registered as I walked through the threshold was the yellow Post-It note fluttering on the refrigerator.

Not bothering to read it, I trudged upstairs to my room. I knew what it would say. 'There's money on the counter, please order food. I won't be home until tomorrow afternoon.' It always said that. I can't even remember the last time I saw my mom in person.

I walked into my room, closed the bedroom door, and immediately called Jared. So what, he's the only other friend I have to talk to, ok? Sue me.

"What do y-" Jared said, but before he could finish whatever insulting thing he came up with, I cut him off.

"I'm dating Connor. But not really. I'm fake dating Connor. He accidentally told his parents we were dating and now we have to pretend to be dating."

Silence crackled across the phone, as Jared processed the word vomit. "...what the fuck kind of fever dream is that?"

I sighed, and launched into a more in-depth explanation. "His dad was yelling at him, and said he was disappointed that he didn't have a girlfriend, and Connor said we were dating. So his dad got off his back and we went upstairs and he apologized and now we're fake dating but he clearly doesn't want to be."

"Sorry I'm jerking this off, but-"

"You're what? What does that me-"

"But isn't this what you wanted? To be 'dating him?' You have a weird thing for him so what about this doesn't do it for you?"

"Uh, the fact that he doesn't like the idea of dating me."

Jared laughed, harsh and mean. "And what finally clued you in on that?"

Ouch. I knew Jared wasn't the nicest person, but that was pretty uncalled for. I searched for words to respond, to show that I wasn't hurt by that, but I came up empty. "I... I just... I don't know. He sounded grossed out at the idea of us doing couple stuff."

"Sorry," he apologized. He didn't sound sorry, but whatever. It's fine. "So, are you gonna tell anyone?"

"Well, only his parents know so far. I'd like to keep it that way." I left a meaningful silence after, one that meant I'm too nervous to ask you, but please say you won't tell anyone.

"Fine. I won't snitch."

"Thanks Ja-"

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Bye." He abruptly hung up. I don't know if he intended to be rude, but at least he said goodbye this time. An improvement.

Now it was just me. Me and my piles of homework that I was supposed to do with Connor but I was too much of a coward to stick around. So he can't help me with Human Geography. And then I won't order pizza because I can't talk to the delivery guy, and I'll end up eating nothing. Again.

——————————

I usually waited outside the school for Connor, but I couldn't face him after last night. I knew I had to eventually, but that could wait a few more minutes.

So instead of waiting at the doors, I walked through them and to my locker. Which is where I ran into Zoe Murphy.

"Oh! Zoe... uh, what are, what are you doing here? Don't you, don't you ride with, um, with Connor?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, but he was too slow this morning so I made him walk."

"O-oh..."

"So anyway, I heard what happened last night. I didn't know you guys were dating?"

You know when you're so mad that you're calm? Instead of astronomically panicking, I just... wasn't. I ascended into such monumental levels of anxiety that I could no longer feel it.

So instead of being a normal human, I let out a sound that was somewhere between a laugh and a cough and said, "Uh-huh."

Understandably, Zoe looked a little weirded out. "Okayyy... well, I won't tell anyone. I wouldn't out you or anything."

"Haha yeah, thanks." Wow. I really just don't know how to function, do I? A single conversation and I'm just below sea level with this.

She stared at me for a few seconds, before nodding and walking away. That interaction is the bane of my existence, and one of the few times I talked to Zoe. So she now things I'm a freak. Yay.

Sighing at my utter stupidity, I turned back to my locker to grab my stuff. Connor should be arriving any second, and he'll probably want to talk about my sudden exit last night.

He definitely won't want to tell anyone. That would complicate things. Oh god, what if he gets mad because I told Jared? What if Jared tells? What if he thinks I told Zoe? What if Zoe tells? What if he hates Zoe? Or hates me? Or BOTH of us?

What if he gets sick of me after one entire day and 'breaks up' with me?

Oh, that introduces a whole new school of thought. What if we pretended to break up, so that we wouldn't have to 'date' anymore? It's an easy solution. He probably wants to anyway. I'll ask him about it when he arrives.

"Hey, Evan."

I whirl around, almost hitting my head on my locker. And there he is.

The minute I see him, my resolve weakens. I really don't want to 'break up' with him. This will be the closest we ever get to dating. And he's standing there, smiling at me despite the fact that I fled his house last night without a decent explanation.

"I'm so sorry for last night, I freaked out and ran because I-"

He shook his head, smile never once wavering. "It's totally fine. I understand. It was a lot to deal with, and I shouldn't have put you in that position," he said.

"Oh, it's okay." The five-minute bell rang, and we both looked up.

"Shit, I gotta get my stuff. Zoe made me walk because I took half a second too long. Sorry. I'll see you in History." He bounded off to his locker, which was nowhere close to mine.

As I watched him walk away, I realized I didn't mention my idea to break up. But when I watched him turn the corner, I made my decision. I didn't want to break up with him, even if it was pretend and a total of 4 other people knew about it. This might be the only shot I ever get, and I'm not gonna blow it.


	3. Chapter 3: "The Answer Was No"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oopsies homophobic slur

The minute I walked into school, I knew something was wrong.

I always felt like people were staring at me, invisible eyes watching me when I wasn't looking, waiting for a slip-up.

But now they were real. As I walked to my locker, heads swiveled to look at me. Whispers were tossed around and I couldn't make sense of any of them. My shoulders scrunched to my ears, trying to will myself into oblivion.

I didn't know what this was about. Did they somehow find out about the tree? I glanced down at my cast, Connor's name dominating the blank white space. No. No one was there that day, they can't possibly know.

Despite my feeble attempts to figure out what was going on, I made it to first period without a single clue as to why I was suddenly visible. I didn't hear a word the teacher was saying, instead focusing on the glances and glares being thrown at me.

A crumpled up ball of paper hit me. I looked around, but didn't have any idea as to where it came from. I unfolded it, going pale. A single word was written.

Faggots

What the hell? Who wrote this? Why did they write it? Why is it plural? Did someone find out about my crush on Connor? Did someone find out about our 'relationship'?

What did I do? Where was Connor?

——————————

The hallways were filled with chatter as per usual, on my way back from lunch. I had sent frantic texts to Connor, asking him to please show up, but to no response. So I had to deal with it by myself.

I was staring at the ground as I walked, pretending I couldn't feel eyes boring into my skull, when a hand grabbed my arm and pulled me into the bathroom. I heard the lock click shut.

Expecting an attacker, I rear my arm back in shock. Instead, I'm met with Zoe Murphy. Again.

"Zoe? What, what's-"

"It's my fault, I'm so sorry. Becca was over at our house that night, and I didn't think she could hear but she's always been a bitch and she told everyone about you and my brother."

They know. They all know. "I... I d-"

Someone pounded on the bathroom door. "Hey, some of us have to use this!"

Zoe looked at me, panicked. "Uh, sorry! I'm, uh... giving him a... hand job? We'll be done in a minute!"

I looked at her, shocked. She waved her hand, and prompted me to say something. I lowered my voice and said, "Sorry, we're almost done."

"Dude, that's fucking sick, I'll find another bathroom."

Zoe sighed in relief. I turned back to her. "So your friend told everyone about our relationship? That's, that's why everyone's been staring at my but it doesn't explain why, why Connor isn't here today."

"Oh, he just slept in and skipped," she said. "Well, I should probably get to class. Bye." And then she was gone.

——————————

"This is all my fault, I should have kept my FUCKING mouth shut," Connor fumed, as he paced around the room. I was sitting nervously on the edge of his bed, having walked over to his house the minute school ended. Needless to say, he didn't take the news well.

"Connor, it's n-"

"Don't say it's not my fault, it is my fault. You know it is."

"Look." I stood up and put my hand on his shoulder in an attempt to placate him. "It's not a big deal. People will forget about it soon enough. Worst case scenario, we break up-" Shit. I wasn't supposed to mention that. He's gonna leave me.

"No, we can't break up this soon. My dad's gonna be disappointed in me all over again." Oh. I knew he didn't want to be in this fake relationship with me, but hearing him sound so frustrated over not being able to break up with me was a kick to the gut.

I was basically forcing him to be in this 'relationship' with me. He couldn't even stand to be my fake boyfriend, let alone my real one.

"Oh," I whispered, and it came out softer then intended. He must have heard the crack in my voice, because he immediately backpedaled.

"I don't mean- no. Not like that. I just meant, like. No offense to you, of course. You're fine, great, wonderful even. I just- I don't know. Sorry."

We stood there in an awkward silence for a moment, trying to find something to say.

Someone knocked on the door. "Hey, dinners ready." It was Cynthia. "Evan, you're welcome to stay over, if it's alright with your mom."

"O-oh, no thank you Mrs. Murphy. I appreciate it, but uh, my, my mom wanted me home tonight."

Cynthia nodded. "Alright. Do you need a ride?"

"I can walk. Bye Connor." I waved, then once again walked home. Mom hadn't really asked me to be home, but I knew that she had off tonight and I didn't want to waste that time with her.

A sudden thought had me at a halting stop. Do I tell Mom about my 'relationship' with Connor? I kept walking, and sorted through the mess in my brain.

I definitely shouldn't without asking Connor. But should I even tell her? Wouldn't it just complicate things? I mean, it's not as if it's the first thing I've kept from her.

I probably shouldn't. It's not even a real relationship, and eventually Connor's going to decide to end it so it won't matter if she knows or not.

That unfortunate reminder of our relationship was quickly blown away, as I walked into my house and my senses were assaulted by meat sizzling.

"Mom?" I called out, and walked into the kitchen.

"Evan!" She was standing at the stove, stirring sauce. "I had a night off, and I thought 'Hey, when's the last time we had a Taco Tuesday?'"

"Mom, it's Thursday."

"Well, then it can be a Taco Thursday! Unless you have plans?" Mom paused and turned around, waiting for my answer.

Homework could wait. "Sure. I'll help with the tomatoes."


	4. Chapter 4: "Not That Bad"

This was certifiably one of the most terrifying moments of my life, and I've jumped out of a tree before. I was about to walk into school, hand in hand, with my 'boyfriend'. I was going to be dealing with only the bad parts of a stigmatized relationship.

Bullied, outcasted, hated, treated like an other. We would have to face it together so we could keep up this lie of ours. His mostly, but I would never make him feel bad by telling him that.

But when Connor slipped his hand into mine, I faltered. It wasn't a poetic "all my worries washed away". It was more like the noise in my head was drowned out by something else, a shouting match between the anxiety and Connor's presence. I was pretty sure my hand was sweaty but he didn't say anything.

Maybe he just felt too awkward to mention my sweaty hands so he was silently being grossed out. I tried not to dwell on it, but it wasn't entirely working.

He pushed the door open, and I prepared myself to brave the hate, the notes, the words. Expecting the silence as we walked in, the faces and fingers pointed at us.

Instead, it was... normal. No one so much as glanced our way when we walked in. The students I saw whispering about me yesterday, were the same students who couldn't be bothered by me today.

I usually tried to be invisible, and should be glad that no one was talking to me. But it still stung that I was forgotten about that quickly. I guess I should be used to it. Being forgotten about seems to be a common theme in my life.

I turned to look at Connor, and he seemed to be having about the same thought process I was. "Hey," I said, in an attempt to reel him in from bad thoughts. I didn't continue until he made eye contact with me. "This is good, right? No one will bother us."

Slowly he nodded, looking unsure of himself. "I guess... but still, you need to let me know if anyone's giving you a hard time okay? I won't hesitate to rip someone a new one if they decide to fuck with you." I nodded and expected him to go to his locker. Instead, he followed me to mine.

"Oooh, what's the occasion? You usually leave me to deal with Jared." I'm half-joking, but he sheepishly smiled and rubbed the back of his neck. I don't mean to make him feel bad, but it also kinda hurts that he never stays.

"Sorry."

"Oh, oh no it's fine. I was just wondering why. It's a surprise, but it's a pleasant one," I reassured. As I turned away, a hand clapped down on my shoulder. I whirled back around.

"What is up, Acorn? I see you brought your boyfriend with you this morning, hmm? I hope you weren't expecting an orgy, because I'll have to deny." I don't know why I didn't expect Jared to be here, even though our lockers are by each other.

"Sorry Kleinman, we were gonna invite you last night but your dad said you were out," Connor said, deadpan. Despite myself, I laughed.

"Well, I... fuck it, that was good."

"Thanks, now please leave," Connor says, dryly.

Jared exaggeratedly sighs. "Fine, I'll leave you two lovebirds alone." He straightens his glasses, then saunters towards his locker. Connor stiffens at his comment.

"What did he mean by that? Did you tell him about us?" Panic panic panic.

"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so sorry, I freaked out and I usually tell him everything because he's my oldest friend and even though I normally tell you stuff, you obviously already knew so I couldn't exactly tell you because that would be weird and probably freak you out, and I-"

"Woah, it's ok. I get it. Sorry for snapping," he said, and I shakily inhaled and nodded. The space between us felt tense and miles apart, even though it was only a few feet, as we silently passed his locker and parted ways.

——————————

"Ok, class," Mr. Harris began. The class was Honors US History, and the board was down which meant he was going to assign a project. Usually I hate projects with a burning passion, as they usually require group work, but this was one of the few classes I had with Connor so I was hoping to be together on this one.

"I'm handing out the packets for the government project I was talking about yesterday. And before you even begin to complain, yes you can choose your partners." I glanced across the room at Connor, and smiled when I made eye contact.

"The project is create your own form of government. It's encouraged to stray from the 3 main types, but I won't bring you down any points for centering it around them. The rest of the information is in the packet. It's due on the 3rd, so you have about 2 weeks. I won't give you class time."

The class dispersed to go find partners, and I walked over to Connor. I always felt nervous asking him to be my partner, like suddenly he found another friend he liked more. "Hey, do-"

"Yes I want to work on the project. You don't have to ask every single time. It's always going to be a yes. It has never not been a yes."

——————————

A clatter caused my head to snap up, mixing with the general din of the cafeteria. Jared had returned, and unceremoniously dropped his lunch tray on the table. "What's up my homosexuals?"

"I'll fucking kill you if you ever refer to me as that again you fucking breeder."

Jared's hands flew up in a sign of surrender. "Jeez, someone hasn't had their morning heroin. Anyway, I brought a friend." He gestured vaguely to a girl with braids who was standing awkwardly to the side, waiting for confirmation before she could sit. "I was hoping she could sit with us."

"Hey Alana," Connor said casually. I had seen her around school, but had never held a conversation.

"Yeah, yeah she can totally sit with us. I don't mind," I said. Alana smiled, and sat down next to Jared.

"So, I hope you two didn't make any babies while I was gone." Of course, we can't go more then 5 minutes without Jared making a sex joke.

"Jared, they're both guys. That's not how that works." Before Jared could make a smartass comment, Alana added, "Not that you would know, you haven't had sex with anyone, boy or girl."

Madness ensued. Connor and I exploded with laughter, Jared sat dumbfounded, and Alana stared at the table, trying to fight off a proud smirk.

Once the laughter died down, Connor smiled goofily at Alana and said, "I'm impressed. Anyone who can take down Kleinman like that is worth their salt. You should sit with us more often." He reached out his hand for a high five, and she complied, smiling.

"Jared, I'm surprised you haven't attempted to defend your honor. This is like the only time I haven't seen you fire back." He blushed and murmured something, avoiding eye contact.

"So, how do you feel about the history project? It sounds easy," Jared said, in an attempt to divert the conversation.

"You always say it's easy, and then it turns out to be harder then the bare minimum, then you complain, and still get an A."

While the two of them started arguing, Connor turned to me. "Hey, my mom wanted to invite you over to my house for dinner tomorrow night. You can sleepover and we can work on the project."

I nodded. "Sounds good."

"It's a date."


	5. Chapter 5: "Family Dinner"

This wasn't new. I've been to the Murphy's before, I've had dinner with them before. They've just never thought that we were dating before. I hadn't been this nervous since the first time.

But now it's like deja vu. Staring nervously at the grand front door, hyping myself up to walk inside. I kept glancing nervously back to where my moms car had been moments ago. She had dropped me off and then gone to run some errands. I felt a little trapped, not having a static escape route.

I didn't know how to approach this situation. It was awful and horrid and I should have brought my Lexapro. But I didn't. My phone buzzed, and I reached for it, thankful for a distraction.

Connecticut: i can see you standing at the door

Connecticut: are you okay?

I smiled at Connor's contact name, and looked up towards his bedroom window. Sure enough he was staring at me, concerned. He opened it, and leaned out. "Are you ok? You've been there for like 10 minutes."

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Just a little... uh, freaked out? Worried? Anxious?"

He cocked an eyebrow. "What else is new?" He said, amused. "I'll be down there in a second, hold on." Connor slammed the window shut, and a moment later the front door opened. He was standing in the doorway, and the sound of pots banging was emanating from the kitchen.

"If you hurry, we can camp out in my room and avoid my parents until dinner."

\--------------------

"So... how did you two meet?"

We had hidden in Connor's room for about half an hour, until his mom called us down. We gathered around the table, stewing in silent awkwardness. The tension was thicker then molasses, the kind of tension that feels impenetrable and foggy. The only thing that was keeping me from bolting in fear or having a panic attack right then and there, was Connor's ankle resting against mine. An anchor.

"Well, at school. We've, we've known each other since, since kindergarten, but only started talking in, uh, about the end of... sophomore year?" I stammered, staring at my plate like I wanted something from it. I did. I wanted death.

"Oh. When did you start... dating?" Larry asked. He seemed to be trying his best to engage and show interest. I know that was all Connor had ever wanted. Still, we both turned red at the question. This was where the lying started, where our stories would have to align.

I let Connor answer this one. I had answered a question, now it's all him. I lightly kicked his foot from under the table, to let him know that I wasn't going to say anything.

"..Around a month ago." Solid answer, the shorter the better.

"Oh, so it's a fairly new," Cynthia said, and we nodded. The unsaid question still hung in the air, until she finally addressed it. "Were you... ever going to... tell us?" She was quiet, as if scared to make Connor mad.

I didn't want that to happen either, so I answered with, "Eventually, when we both felt comfortable with it." Cynthia nodded, still looking dejected. "But! You guys were, were the first to know. Uh, no one else does. Well, it accidently got out at school, but that was AFTER you guys found out. So." This seemed to put her at ease.

"Well, as lovely as this conversation was, Evan and I have a history project to work on, so we'll be heading upstairs." Connor took my hand, and dragged me towards the stairs. We were almost there, when Cynthia called him back.

"Wait! I won't keep you long, but I want to have a talk with you. In the kitchen." He groaned, but followed her into the next room.

Then it was just me and Larry. Which was totally not awkward at all. That was a lie, it was so awkward. My eyes were trained on the floor. I did everything in my power to not make eye contact with him.

"So... you and Connor. You two are together."

"Y-yes sir."

"I suspected you two were dating for a while now. Only a month? I've seen the way he looks at you. I might not be as close to him as I want to be, but I can tell that he... he likes you. So, if you even think about hurting him-"

I look up, alarmed. "No! I would, I would never hurt him. I... I really like him. I would never hurt him, I promise." Finally, I made eye contact.

"Good." We stared at each other for a few seconds. Larry seemed to be trying to read me, to find something. I was a deer in headlights, and he was the car. The silence was interrupted by a yell from the kitchen. It was Connor. He came storming out, fuming. He stalked upstairs, and I followed close behind, confused

I didn't ask until we were in his room, door shut. "What was that about?"

"My mom was being nosy, like always. And she was talking about how she knew we were teenagers and she knew how teenagers behaved. And she wasn't going to tell us not to, she just..." He trailed off, his face bright red.

"What?"

He reached into his pocket, and tossed a small box out. Condoms. "She said she wasn't going to tell us not to, she just wanted us to be safe about it."

As much as I didn't want to, I quietly chuckled. He looked up. "What?"

"Its... she gave you condoms. Cynthia... gave you... condoms. That just seems really out of character for her."

He rolled his eyes. "I expected a speech on how we should wait until marriage or something. But you should have seen how uncomfortable she looked, you'd have thought... well it was probably the right amount of uncomfortable for giving your child condoms."

"Imagine her at the store buying them!" We burst into fits of laughter at the image of soccer-mom Cynthia buying condoms for her son and his 'boyfriend'.

After we calmed down, Connor sighed. "Alright, lets work on this stupid project."


	6. Chapter 6: "Pushing Too Hard"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of self harm sorry luvs<3

Creating your own government isn't easy, but since Mr. Harris said it didn't have to be 100% realistic, it wasn't that hard either. Most of the time we spent goofing off, but we did get some work done.

We had agreed that it would be some form of dictatorship/democracy. When I asked Connor why and how, he said, "I dunno. I think it'd be cool. Also those are like two polar opposites and it sounds stupid, so I wanna try it." And so we did it.

I was drawing an outline of how the system worked, and he was cutting out slips of paper to demonstrate voters.

"So, they vote for the leader? That's just a democracy Connor."

"Yeah but I'm eliminating the electoral college because it's unnecessary," he said.

I laughed. "So what about this 'autodemocracy' is dictatorship?"

"The loser can challenge the winner to rock-paper-scissors if they don't like the results. Good old roshambo."

I was silent for a moment. "Interesting."

"Thanks, I- SHIT. Fuck, I cut myself." I whirled around, and saw a thin red line on his knuckle. Paper cut.

"Oh no, are you ok?"

Connor laughed and shook his head. "Yeah, not like it's the first time I cut myself, if ya know what I mean."

Oh. I knew he cut, but we had never outright talked about it. I don't know if he knew that I did on occasion or not, but it wasn't a subject that I liked discussing, and he'd mentioned before that he didn't like to talk about it either.

"You don't... you don't still.. cut?" That must have been the wrong thing to say. He looked up, annoyed.

"It was a joke."

"Yeah, but Connor. If you still do, then-" I started, but he cut me off.

"Then what? I need to tell you? Tell my family? 'Get help'? Stop? I've heard it all before Evan, and I've told you that I don't want to talk about it."

Oh no. This wasn't how I'd planned for this night to go. The room seemed to be shrinking. I hated that he hurt himself, that he thought he deserved the pain. I knew how he felt. I was saying all the wrong things and didn't know how to stop.

"Connor, I'm worried." I was standing.

"Don't be!" He was standing.

"Why shouldn't I? You're hurting yourself, and-"

"AND nothing! I'm fine, ok! Even if I did recently, it's none of your business! It's no ones business but mine." He was getting closer.

"It is my business if y-"

"Actually, if you think really long, and really hard about it, it has nothing to do with you. You had no reason to bring it up and no reason to continue talking about it. You know nothing about it," he said, condescendingly.

That's where he was wrong, but I'd be damned if I was going to say that.

"Connor, please. I'm worried about you, and I don't want you to be hurting yourself."

He laughed, angry and hysterical. I'd seen him this mad before, this patronizing anger. I'd seen it directed at his parents, at the world. But he had never been this mad at me.

I guess there's a first time for everything.

"I guess it's too fucking late for that then, Evan! You can't just ask me that, then expect me to say "Yep! I slice my arms up! They look like a fucking barcode! In fact, if you scan them, then they come up as Gillette razors!' That isn't how the world works!"

"I know, I just... just-"

"JUST WHAT?" He's in my face. I'm panicking. I don't know what to say or how to make this better.

"I just want you to stop."

I couldn't tell if it was the best thing or the worst thing to say, but I'd said it. He was either so angry he looked calm, or the storm was over.

"Get out."

Oh god. "What?"

"Evan. Get the fuck out. Now."

"No, I'm not gonna leave you when-"

"I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT," Connor screamed, as he shoved me to the ground.

The world shifted around me. I hit the floor, bracing myself with my arms, which caused a slash of pain to run up my still-broken arm.

I was back in Ellison. Alone. On the ground. Helpless. With no one coming for me.

Without breaking eye contact with Connor, I scrambled up and out of the door. I don't know if I was looking through charcoal tinted glasses, but he didn't look remorseful. He didn't look ashamed or guilty. Just smoldering rage.

I'd ruined everything. Everything. Any chance I had to be with him was out the window. I should have just laughed at the joke, then we wouldn't be in the situation we were in. It was all my fault.

Stumbling on unsteady legs, I knocked on Zoe's door. "What do you want?"

"It's, it's me. Sorry, uh, it's Evan," I stammered and the door opened. Zoe looked surprised to see me.

"Woah, are you ok? What happened? I heard yelling, what did Connor do?" She looked me up and down, as if checking for any more broken limbs.

"It's- it's nothing. It's my fault. But, uh, and I'm so sorry to bother you really, but I was supposed to spend the night and I, I don't think Connor wants me here right now, and uh, could you possibly maybe give me a lift home?"

"Sure, let me get my keys." Zoe disappeared into her room, and reappeared a moment later. We silently walked to her car. I could tell she wanted to ask what happened, but I wasn't ready to say anything.

My phone started buzzing, but I wasn't ready to check it. It was probably Jared asking for homework answers.

The drive was quiet, and no one said anything until we were in my driveway. 

"Thank you so, so much. I'm really sorry I had to bother you, but thank you."

"No problem. Hey, if you don't mind me asking, what happened between you two? Did you... break up?" Zoe asked.

"I... I don't know. I hope not. But I, uh... I just pushed too hard. Where I shouldn't have. It's my fault. But thank you for the ride." I slammed the door, and it echoed into the empty neighborhood.

I entered my similarly empty house, passed the ever-present Post-It note, and into my room. Everything the same. It always was.

When I finally checked my messages, I was surprised to see they were from Connor. The messages were filled with profuse apologies, finally ending with one that said I'd left my bag in his room. Shit.

Me: If you bring it over tomorrow, we can work on the project again.

Connecticut: ok

Connecticut: i'm seriously so sorry evan

Me: I know, it's okay.

Connecticut: no, it's not

Me: Don't worry about it. I'll see you tomorrow.

Connecticut: see you tomorrow ig


	7. Chapter 7: "An Invitation"

I was back on the tree. Shaking like a scared leaf, and clutching the trunk. I couldn't tell whether I didn't want to do this, or did. 

This summer had been worse then usual. It felt like a rug had been ripped out from underneath me, and I hit the floor, the breath knocked out of me. I couldn't tell how long it would take to get back up, and no one lended me a hand.

Mom was always at work. Jared wanted nothing to do with me. Connor shouldn't have to deal with my problems. He didn't seem notice that I was drowning, and I'd rather it stay that way.

This was the year I would fill out college applications. It felt so soon, and normally it was pushed to the back of my mind. But now it felt like it was looming over me.

I didn't have the funds for college, and I didn't have the grades to get a scholarship. I wouldn't get accepted, and I wouldn't go anywhere. I'd be a failure. Again.

So, my solution to the constant feeling of worthlessness? Hurl myself off of a tree. Easy, quick. There would be minimal pain, and no way to change my mind. Even my escape was cowardly.

I peered over the branch I was standing on. The sun was shining on me, taunting me with the nice day. If this was the last thing I saw, I wouldn't be upset.

Letting go of the trunk, I shifted my weight on the tree to maintain balance. A bird called from somewhere in the forest. Ellison should be closing soon, but it's not like we were ever really busy.

Again, I leaned forward and looked over the edge of the branch. A mistake. With my weight all on one end, I felt myself slipping. For a moment, I was weightless.

Scrambling, I grabbed onto the branch. My feet kicked into the air, searching for a foothold in vain.

I could feel my fingers sliding off the branch. I screwed my eyes shut, not ready to face the harsh and unforgiving ground.

I made a mistake.

I shouldn't have come here.

The wood was splintering and callousing my fingers as I let go, and felt the wind rush past me. This was the end.

At least it was over.

~*~*~*~*~*~

My eyes shot open, and I sat up. I could still feel the adrenaline shooting through my body, and I took deep breathes. These nightmares had been persisting ever since I broke my arm. They varied, sometimes I let go and sometimes I fell. Sometimes I hit the ground, and woke up to my arm aching.

No one really knew how I broke it, everyone thought that I'd fallen at work. Which was technically true. They just didn't know why.

I checked the time, squinting at the bright screen. 10am. I had a few missed messages from Zoe and Connor.

Zoe: What happened last night? Wdym "pushed too hard".

Me: Well, technically he was the one who pushed too hard. In a literal sense. He shoved me.

Me: That was an ill-placed joke. Anyway, we were arguing and I was bringing up something that wasn't any of my business, and he shoved me. But we're cool now.

Me: Zoe?

Zoe: Sorry, I threw my shoe at my dumbass brother.

Me: What?! Why?!

Zoe: Uh, because he's stupid and he shoved you?

Me: I feel honored, you threw your shoe at him for me.

Zoe: You're worth throwing my shoe for.

Me: Stop it, I'm blushing.

Zoe: So you guys are good?

Me: Yeah, he's coming over later to work on a history project.

Zoe: That's good.

I didn't know how to respond to that, so I checked my messages from Connor.

Connecticut: again, i'm so sorry about last night. i got mad for no reason and shoved you and you don't deserve that and i'm sorry.

Connecticut: did you send zoe after me?

Me: She volunteered. I didn't even know until after the shoe was thrown.

Connecticut: i don't believe you but ok

Connecticut: what time should i come over?

Me: Any time works, just give me a heads up before hand.

Connecticut: I'll be there in half an hour.

——————————

Instead of actually doing the project, we had been watching our way through the John Mulaney specials for the last hour and a half. It felt weirdly tense.

I was on edge, which was something I hadn't been around Connor in a long time. I don't know if it was the fight, or the fake relationship, or both, but the air felt uncomfortable.

Amid the silence, I heard my phone buzz across the room. Stepping over the abandoned project, I pulled it off the charger to see that Jared had messaged me.

Jared: yo, so my parents are gonna be closing our pool soon, so I figured I'd invite you and your goth boyfriend over on Saturday.

Me: You? Purposefully spending time with me? AND Connor?

Jared: Sure, fine, Jared can actually be a good friend! Do you want to come over or not?

I looked up towards Connor. "Jared wants to know if we want to come over to his pool on Saturday."

Connor looked at my quizzically. "He wants to be near me? On purpose?" He asked, semi-jokingly.

"That's what I said!"

"Sure then, I guess. I'll have to ask my mom, but she'll probably just be glad I'm 'extending my social circle'".

Me: He said yes.

Jared: coolio

——————————

Hours after Connor had left, and we had barely mad any progress with our government, I was in my room surfing through Netflix when my mom knocked. Before even waiting for an answer, she opened the door, which never ceased to annoy me.

"Hey, honey. How was your day?"

I shrugged. "It was alright. Oh, by the way, Jared invited me over to his place to go swimming on Saturday. Is that ok?"

"Oh, I don't know sweetie."

"I don't have an appointment with Dr. Sherman that day, do I?"

"No, it's just that... your dad called."

I could physically feel my blood run cold. This wasn't anything to worry about, really. It was fine. We texted like, once a month. He just never went to my mom.

"What... what did, what did he want?" I asked, trying to pretend I wasn't bothered enormously by that.

"He said that he was in town and wanted to see you."

I let that sink in for a moment before I responded, choosing my words carefully. "Ok. Did he say when?"

"Saturday. I don't know when Saturday, so you could still go to Jared's, just be mindful of the time. And you don't have to go if you don't want to."

"Ok. I'll probably go."

"Ok." Mom stared at me for a few seconds, before she turned away. "Well, I'll let you get back to what your doing. I love you."

"I love you too."

The second my door closed, I sprang for my phone.

Me: CONNOR!

Connecticut: what?

Connecticut: are you ok?

Connecticut: do I need to punch somebody?

Me: No! Please don't punch anyone. I'm fine. More then fine, actually.

Connecticut: oh

Connecticut: what's happening?

Me: My dad called. He said that he's in the area and wants to meet up on Saturday!

Connecticut: i thought we were at Jared's on Saturday?

Me: Yeah, but after. This is the first time he's willingly come down here to visit me!

Connecticut: that's kind of sad, Evan

Me: I know, but it's progress!

Connecticut: i'm glad you have a chance to get to know your dad

Me: I am too.


	8. Chapter 8: "Jared's House"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of self harm scars, also I wrote this chapter in the middle of a disassociation/depressive episode so I don't actually remember writing this. lil fun fact for ya<3

"What the fuck do I do, what the fuck do I do, I'm freaking the FUCK out Evan!"

Connor had spent the last few minutes pacing and cursing. We had to be at Jared's in 20 minutes, and Connor had forgotten about his scars.

I was trying my hardest to calm him down. "I don't, Connor it's, it's probably fine. They won't care, and if, if they do, then I just, I don't know."

The problem was that I was also silently freaking out. But I wasn't the priority at the moment, so I would help Connor first, and then myself.

I wasn't freaking out over scars. I was freaking out because my mom was going to be there, and she didn't know that Connor and I were 'dating'. Cynthia would definitely bring it up.

"Thanks a-fucking-lot Ev. Your barely comprehensible sentence of stutters really reassured me!" Connor snapped, glancing up to glare at me. I shrank into myself.

He doesn't mean what he says when he's mad. This isn't about you, he doesn't mean it.  
He's not mad at you, don't take it personally.

"I'm sorry. But, I just. Um." I paused. What could I even say to make this better? I know how much it sucks when people see your scars. I could never tell which was worse, the disdainful stares or the 'Promise me you'll never do it again?'.

Connor sighed angrily, and plopped down on my bed. "I'm sorry, I. I don't. Know. What to do. Or. Say. To make this better. I, I wish I did."

He looked at me and his eyes softened. He nodded. We sat in silence for a bit.

"Hey, um. Do you think your mom will tell my mom about, well, about... us?" The minute the words left my mouth I regretted it. I made it sound like we were actually together, oh my god he's gonna think I'm into him.

"Knowing her? Definitely. We could just tell her that your mom doesn't know yet, she'll probably shut up about it."

I nodded. "Ok. Thanks. And, don't even worry about the scars. I'm sure everyone will just be too polite to say anything."

Connor smiled, softly and gratefully. "Thank you. I hope you're right."

Once again, silence. That seemed to be how most of our conversations went these days. Awkward and quiet. I miss how things used to be.

The silence was broken by a soft buzzing. Grateful for the distraction, I snatched my phone up and saw a text from my mom.

Mom: I had to pick up an extra shift to cover for Lisa, I'm so so sorry! I'll be there in time to pick you up to see your dad, I promise.

Me: It's fine. Thanks mom

I sighed. I wish I could say I wasn't surprised, seeing as this is how most of our conversations went. "My mom's not gonna be able to make it. Is it alright if I get a ride with you?"

Connor shrugged, and stretched backwards on the bed. I tried not to stare at the pale strip of skin where his shirt rode up. Is it weird that I wanted to touch it? Yeah, it's definitely weird.

"Probably," He said, before yawning and rubbing his eyes with the heels of his palms. I had to look away to hide my smile of adoration. I couldn't help it, he's just so damn endearing.

"Did you sleep at all last night?"

Smiling lazily, he said "Mmm, kind of."

"What does that even mean?" I asked. He shrugged again. "You're gonna fall asleep in the pool later and drown."

He gasped and dramatically put the back of his hand to his forehead. "Oh no! Let's hope that doesn't happen!"

I rolled my eyes and shoved him, smiling slightly. "Shut up."

——————————

The drive to Jared's was quiet and awkward. The back seat was occupied by Connor and I (he claimed it was because he didn't want to sit up with his mom, but I could pretend it was to sit next to me if I wanted to), while Cynthia drove us. I looked out the window, watching the familiar houses fly by.

"So, uh, Mom." I startled at the sudden noise. Connor was nervously scratching his arm. I moved his hand away so he didn't hurt himself, and he gave me grateful smile.

"Yes?" Cynthia asked, glancing at him in the rear view, before averting her eyes back to the road.

"Well, Heidi might show up. And I just wanted to, to make sure that you wouldn't... say anything about... us. Me and Evan. She doesn't know that we're... dating," Connor explained.

"Oh! Alright then. I won't say anything."

"Thanks." The car went quiet again. I went back to staring out of the window.

——————————

The sliding glass door clinked shut as the three of us walked across the hot concrete in Jared's backyard.

"Uh, hey Mrs. Kleinman!"

At the sound of her name she looked up from where she was reading on a lounge chair. "Oh, hey Evan! It's been a while! Jared's just inside helping his dad with the food." She then noticed Connor and Cynthia. "Oh, hi! I'm Pam, nice to meet you."

I didn't miss the quick look she gave to Connor's exposed arms, which were covered in thin silvery-purple scars. And judging by the way he crossed his arms and hunched his shoulders self consciously, he didn't miss it either.

She got up to shake their hands. While she and Cynthia started chatting, I gave Connor a look. Their soccer mom energies would create a force too powerful to destroy.

The door opened behind us, and out walked Jared, carrying a plate of hamburgers and condiments. "How's it hanging, bro's?" He set the plate down next to the grill. "You guys haven't made any babies yet, right?"

"I'm gonna fuckin-" Connor growled, his face turning red. I laid a hand on his arm. He reared away, but calmed down.

"Jeez, someone's panties are in a twist." I saw Jared's eyes flutter down towards Connor's arms. He quickly looked away, resuming a smug smile.

"Hey, don't, don't fight ok? At least do it later?"

"Sure, Evan. I'm sure Connor over here wants to save the fighting for the bedroom."

"I'm gonna fucking murder-"

"Guys!"  
——————————

The sound of Jared's parents and Cynthia chatting carried over to where we sat by the edge of the pool, eating hamburgers. We were quiet for the most part, until Connor had suddenly asked, "Hey, aren't you meeting up with your dad later?"

"Oh, yeah. Um. I don't know where or what time yet though, he hasn't texted me."

"Woah woah woah. Back up. Your dad is visiting?" Jared asked, looking slightly hurt. I had forgotten that I'd only told Connor.

"...yeah?"

"Your dad? The OG Mark Hansen? Who hasn't visited you in 10 years?"

"Look, Jared. He's trying now and that's what matters." I said, annoyed. What right did Jared have to suddenly care about what was going on in my life?

"You really are a masochist huh? I bet your boyfriend r- FUCK!" Jared was cut off as Connor shoved him into the pool. I gasped as the water splashed back onto me.

Connor started laughing as Jared spewed expletives, and I tentatively chuckled. That turned into laughter, and Jared grabbed Connor's legs and yanked him into the water.

"SON OF A BITCH!" I heard Cynthia yell out 'language!', but Connor either didn't hear or ignored her.

I slapped a hand over my mouth to muffle my laughter, but it did next to nothing. Connor scowled at me. "Oh, so you think this is funny?" he asked.

"I-I mean..." I looked over at Jared who was looking at me expectantly. "Kind of? Yes?"

This was the wrong thing to say, as Connor started advancing towards me. I scrambled away from the edge of the deck. "Nononononono"

"One of us, one of us," Jared chanted. I retreated to the chair where I had left my bag, and noticed I had a notification from my mom.

Mom: I'll be there in 10 minutes, then we can go meet your dad.

That was 12 minutes ago. Shit.

Me: Ok, I'll be waiting out front

No sooner had I pressed send, than I felt water spray my back. I yelped, and whirled around to see Connor holding a water gun and smiling, and Jared laughing his ass off.

"NICE!" They high-fived and I rolled my eyes.

"I gotta go, my mom's probably waiting outside."

"Damn, you're gonna leave me alone with the nerd? I'll be a computer science major by the end of the day," Connor said dryly. Jared looked over at him, mocking offense.

"Ok, emo-boy, let's hope I don't start listening to Green Day."

"Oh you little fucker-"

As they both divulged into arguing, I took the chance to gather my stuff and leave through the gate. There was no sign of my mom.

So I sat in the porch and waited, anxiously worrying the hem of my swim trunks. I was about to see my dad, for the first time in a very long time.

Finally, I heard the familiar engine echoing into the quiet neighborhood, and watched as my moms Outback pulled up outside the Kleinmans house. I awkwardly waved.

"So, how was it? Did you guys have fun?" Mom asked the second that I had opened the door. I fumbled with my seatbelt for a moment.

"Uh, yeah. It was good."

"Well that's good." Silence filled the car as she pulled out of the driveway and out of the neighborhood.

"So... how do you feel about meeting up with your father? You can always change your mind, you know that right?"

"I'm ok, Mom. Really." I said.

And I was.


	9. Chapter 9: "Mark Hansen Sr."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> homophobic slur oops. also wrote this chapter literally 2 days after the last one. don't remember writing this one either.

Quiet chatter filled the Denny's. I sat in a booth across from my dad. We had barely spoken a word in the 15 minutes I'd been here.

He didn't seem to be trying to connect with me, but I had figured as much. He hasn't seen me in years, so it's probably hard to. Which means I need to swallow my anxiety and start a conversation.

"So... how're, how're Theresa and, uh, and the kids?" Wow. Very cool, Evan! Way to convince him to stick around!

"Oh, good. They're good," he said, looking everywhere but at me.

"That's, that's good."

"Yeah."

We fell into more quiet. Could I not even hold a simple conversation with him?

"How's... work?" I tried again, resisting the urge to slam my head against the table. There could not possibly be someone worse at talking then me.

"It's good," Dad said, chuckling. I awkwardly joined it, hoping that he was laughing with me and not at me.

"Good. Good."

Again, more silence. I gathered my courage, and prepared myself to say the question that had been lingering in my mind ever since I found out he was coming.

"Why are you here?"

Shocked by the question, he was startled into silence for a moment. "Wha...what?"

"Why, why are you here? After all this time?"

"Can't a father visit his son just because he misses him?"

"You've had 10 years to visit me!" I snapped, glaring at him. Once I made eye contact, my defiance withered and I shrank back down. "Why... why now?"

"Honestly? Theresa's been pestering me about this for a while and I figured 'better late then never'," he said, shamelessly.

I stared at the table blankly for a moment, trying to process what he just said, and trying desperately to convince myself that he didn't mean it like that.

"Oh my god," I said, anger seeping through the wall I had been putting up to mask my emotions.

"What?"

"I just can't believe I actually thought you wanted, that you would want to see me. But no, your new wife told you to and you just wanted to check it off your list of 'Things that make me a good person'! I thought you actually missed me."

I caught his eye, and he looked shocked.

"Mark, come on-" I cut him off. He never did listen when I told him to call me Evan.

"No! You come up here and you make a painfully fake attempt to be a father." The words were out before I could stop them. "Did you know I have a boyfriend? No, you didn't."

I sank back down in my seat, shoulders hunched over. I waited for the explosion, the insults, telling me to get out of his sight.

"I... wow. That's very... I'm very proud of you. I hope you guys are happy together," Dad said, sighing.

"That- I- how? How can you be so terrible at hiding the fact that you couldn't give less of a shit about me?! I'd almost rather you call me a, a fag and, and tell me that you never want to see me again! At least then I'd know that you even comprehended what I said!"

"Can you blame me? I barely talk to you and you aren't exactly the most interesting person."

My ears were ringing, and my cast-encased arm felt like it went numb. I could the feel the vibrations of footsteps as people passed by our table. I reached for my phone.

"I didn't mean that."

Ignoring him, I called my mom. I tapped my foot as the phone rang, praying that she would pick up.

Finally, she did. "Hello? Evan? Is everything ok?"

"I-I need you to pick me up," I said. Not allowing her a chance to respond, I hung up. I didn't want to be rude, but I also wanted to get as far away from my father as I could.

"Mark, please."

I stood up. "Don't bother visiting again. I'm sorry I'm such a boring person that you had to be forced to come down here. Don't bother contacting me again. I wouldn't want to bore you to death."

I must have shocked him into silence, because he didn't say a word as I walked out of the building. I couldn't even bring myself to cry. Right now I just felt numb.

Minutes ticked by. Dad didn't follow me out. As I sat waiting for my mom to show, I was taken back to less then an hour ago, where I was in this same exact position. Only this time, I was outside Jared's house. And I was excited.

I wished I could go back to that.

Finally, I saw Mom's car. Wordlessly, I opened the door and sat down, slouching against the window.

"Oh, honey, what happened?"

"He doesn't give a shi- sorry. He doesn't care about me," I whispered, correcting myself at the look she gave me.

"What?" Mom asked, clearly confused at the vague explanation.

"I'll explain later. Promise. Can we just.. go home?"

She nodded, and started driving. I would be lying if I said it didn't feel good to put some distance between me and my father.

——————————

My room was quiet. I didn't like it. It reminded me of the the awkward quiet between me and my father. I sat still on my bed, taking shallow breaths. I was scared that if I made too much movement, I would burst into the tears that I was desperately holding in.

I pulled out my phone.

Me: can you call

Connecticut: what's wrong?

Me: can you

The typing bubble appeared, then went away. My phone filled with Connor's contact picture. Incoming call. I accepted.

"Evan? What's going on?"

I took a deep breath, trying to regain myself before I spoke.

"I... my dad. Only came down here. Because my stepmom made him, and I-I-" I cut myself off as I felt a dry sob building, and I swallowed it back down.

"Oh.. I-"

"He- oh. Sorry, I'm sorry." Can I not even talk to someone on the phone without messing up?

"No, no. It's ok. What were you going to say?" Connor asked.

"He, he said. That I was boring? And that I shouldn't blame him for not wanting to visit. And he didn't even try. I..." My voice lowered to barely a whisper. "...I told him I had a boyfriend and he didn't care." I held my breath, scared at how Connor would react.

"...ok. Is it good that he didn't care?"

I took in a shuddering breath. "He gave some generic, half-assed 'I hope you guys are happy'. I said I'd almost rather him be homophobic."

"Why would you-"

"I just wanted some reaction from him that wasn't uninterested. But I guess I should expect it, considering how boring I am and all."

"Hey. That's not true."

Wrong.

"I... ok."

Silence seemed to be a common theme today, as it spread across the empty space. I couldn't stand it. "I'm gonna go. I'm sorry to dump all of this on you but I-"

"No, don't be sorry. It's fine. Bye."

"Bye."

I hung up. Without even thinking, I pulled up Jared's contact and pressed 'call'. Might as well get all the explaining out of the way before I break down.

"The fuck? You never call, why-"

"My dads an asshole. Called me boring. Won't be seeing him again."

"I- what. Uh, ok? I could have told you that he was an asshole before all of this, b-" Oh my god, not this.

"Yeah, you know what, thanks. Thanks for saying 'I told you so', it, it really helped. You always do this."

Of course Jared's immediate instinct is to tell me how right he is. I don't know why I expected any different.

"Oh, come on! I bet Connor was thinking it too."

"Even if he was, he didn't say it out loud when I told him what happened!"

"Hang on, you already told him?" Jared asked, suddenly hostile.

"...yeah?" What did I do wrong this time? Why am I constantly screwing things up?

"Well it's nice to see where your priorities lay."

What?

"Why should I go to you first for everything when I can't even count on you being nice to me?!"

"Because Connor's so reliably kind?"

"At least he apologizes! Something you haven't done once in your entire life!"

"Fuck you Evan! Asshole!"

Jared hung up. I was left alone in my room, with one less friend then I had a minute ago.

Once again, I found myself wishing to be back at Jared's house with my friends as they tried to drown each other in the pool. That came out wrong.

But now, I'd gone and messed it all up. I ruined 2 different relationships today. Might as well go on a streak and tell Connor that I never wanted to see him again.

Even as self-destructive as I am, I wouldn't do that. He was basically all I had at this point.

I contemplated calling him, and telling him what happened. He probably didn't care though. I couldn't blame him. Maybe he'd text me later, telling me to fuck off and never talk to him again.

I seem to drive everyone away. At this rate, I'd be lucky to have a single person who cared about me.


	10. Chapter 10: "Bad Day"

After spending the rest of the weekend laying around in my dark room, it was a shock to my system to be back in school again. I wanted to ask Mom if it was ok to stay home, but something stopped me.

Maybe it was the fact that I couldn't get the look on my fathers face out of my head. That look, like he would rather be anywhere but here. The look that's supposed to be reserved for algebra, or going to the DMV. Not talking to your son for the first time in 10 years.

As much as I desperately wanted to stay home and let the day pass me by, I also knew that if I didn't go to school Mom would probably worry about me. And she has enough on her plate. She doesn't need to worry about her mess of a son.

So I resolved to make it through the day. I walked to 1st block, with my shoulders squared and my head held high. I could do this.

Normally, I stared at the ground as I walked, as to not make unwanted eye contact. Since I wasn't today though, I didn't see the foot hook around my ankle, sending me tumbling to the floor.

I stuck my hands out to catch myself, sending a jolt of pain up my partially healed arm. No one bothered to help me up, instead they just parted around me. At least no one was laughing. I shakily clambered to my feet, and looked around to find the perpetrator.

I glimpsed Jared Kleinman staring at me with an amused smile, before turning the corner.

That didn't necessarily mean it was him. All it meant was that he saw... and didn't bother to help me. Well, I mean, I couldn't blame him. He was too far away! I would laugh too if I saw me get tripped.

This doesn't have to be a bad day if I don't make it one. At least I'll see Connor today.

My phone vibrated in my pocket. I fumbled with it for a moment, before seeing a notification from Connor.

Connecticut: just a heads up, i'm not gonna be here today

Oh. Well. That... that admittedly sucks. My morale was stomped to the ground. I trudged the rest of the way to 1st block. It's almost amazing how quickly my spirit withered. Now I just wanted to make it through the day without crying in a corner.

The class sped by in a blur. The only time I zoned back in was when I heard my name

" Mr. Hansen?" Mr. Harris asked. Everyone was staring at me.

"Uh? Yes? Um, what was the question?" I stammered out, ignoring the snicker from Jared.

"Where's your partner?" Oh shit.

"I, uh... he isn't here."

"Ooh, lovers quarrel?" Jared snarked, and the class burst out into laughter. I sank down in my seat, face burning.

"Mr. Kleinman, please keep comments to yourself"

This was the last straw. I had tried my best to get through the rest of school, but I couldn't even make it to 9am. I discreetly pulled out my phone.

Me: can I go home early? I promise I'll pick up all my homework

Mom: I guess. But just this once!

Me: thank you

——————————

Even though the pile of homework was staring at me from my desk, the minute I had gotten home I continued what I had been doing Sunday. Laying in my bed, in my dark room, feeling emotionally fragile.

My phone vibrated, much too loud for the quiet atmosphere.

Connecticut: zoe said you weren't in her last block. where were you?

Me: bad day

Connecticut: i'll be there in 10 minutes

I had just placed my phone back down when it buzzed again.

Zoe: Hey

Zoe: Are you okay?

Me: yeah

Zoe: Are you sure?

Zoe: You looked sad today.

I could actually tell someone what's wrong, or I could bottle it up until I break down at something that isn't worth it.

Me: I'm fine

I chose the latter.

Me: thanks though

The phone went back down. I stared at it cautiously, expecting another text. It never came.

I rolled, trying to sleep and shut out the world. I hadn't gotten far, when the doorbell rang.

Oh shit, I forgot about Connor.

Sighing, I dragged myself to the front door, and opened it to reveal a nervous and concerned looking Connor.

"Hey."

"Are you okay?"

"What happened to hello? How are you? My name is?" Yes, great. Deflect with jokes.

"Evan," Connor said, unimpressed. Right to it then, I guess.

"I'm okay," I said, trying to convince both of us.

"Of anybody you have to lie to, it shouldn't be me. Now let me ask again; are you okay?"

Just keep on deflecting.

"...I'm not okay."

Ok so turns out we aren't going to deflect. I sighed, and shook my head at myself. Even in my own head, I'm trying to downplay my feelings with insincerity.

"I'm really sorry for skipping today. I should have been there-"

"No! No, no. Don't feel bad, please. You can do whatever want, you shouldn't have to go out of your way for, well, for me. I can handle it."

Connor shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. "Even if you can handle it, it doesn't mean that you should."

I looked down. What was I supposed to say? He was right, but I just couldn't accept the fact that I shouldn't have to make myself as less of a problem as I could at all times.

"Listen, you don't have to tell me anything. I shouldn't force you to tell me anything. Just know that I'm here for you if you need anyone to listen."

"Thank you," I whispered.

Ever since Saturday, silence had felt smothering. It only ever reminded me of my father. Usually the silence was full of noise, or my racing thoughts. But this was purely quiet, and I started to get anxious.

Thankfully, Connor broke it. "Well, I brought over stuff for the project so we can finish it if you want."

"Oh, yeah. Sure."

——————————

An hour later, we had finally finished the project.

"Ok. Ok ok ok ok. So. In summary. It's basically what we have now, where people vote for the leader directly, but without the electoral college and the tampering of ballots."

"Wow," I laughed, shaking my head. My mood had drastically improved once Connor had arrived.

"Shhhhhh I'm not done. But the loser can challenge the winner to rock-paper-scissors-"

"I thought that was a j-"

"For someone so quiet you sure do interrupt a lot."

Oh. "I'm sorry." My hand instinctively reached for the frayed edge of my cast, and I ducked my head, blush creeping down my neck.

"I'm joking, Evan. Anyways, the citizens can also vote to kick the president out of office."

"How is this an autocracy?"

"Because I say it is," Connor said with a note of finality, a huge dorky smile plastered across his face. I love him.

"I... ok."

"Soooooo... now that we're done, what do you want to do?" Connor asked.

"I don't know." I shrugged, toying with a pencil just to give my hands something to do.

There was a deliberate pause, before Connor spoke up, like he was already planning on asking this. "What happened on Saturday?"

Deflect. "Well, we went over to Jar-"

"Funny funny. Haha. I meant with your dad."

"I... I don't know if I'm ready to talk about it yet." I felt bad, even though I knew that I didn't have to tell him, I still felt like he deserved to know.

"Please?"

"...It was really quiet most of the time. Awkwardly quiet. And even when he was talking to me it seemed like... he didn't want to be? And it was kind of like, well, weird. I'd almost rather him hate me, but instead he just kind of... barely even noticed me?"

I looked up, and Connor was looking at me with sympathy. I couldn't stand being the object of pity, so I looked away.

"I'm... sorry."

"Yeah, well. It is what it is." I rolled my eyes.

"Dads suck."

"I thought you and your dad were getting better?"

Now it was Connor's turn to look away. "It's complicated."

"I'm sure I'll be able to keep up."

"Ok... I think he's trying. I don't really know. I can't compare it to anything because I can hardly remember a time when he wasn't a jackass to me. He's started to kind of like... talk to me? About stuff? Like if I'm upset at something, he doesn't immediately get angry, and he'll ask me why I'm upset. Which is... actually really great."

"That's- that's good! That's really good! That's like a, a huge step!" I shuffled over to sit next to him.

"Yeah, I... I guess it is. It still feels off though."

"Well, maybe you could start talking to him too? Like come to him about stuff?"

"I... I guess."

This time I wasn't afraid of the quiet.


	11. Chapter 11: "Tangled Web"

Sneakers were squeaking on the linoleum tile, and the hall filled with the buzzing of the fluorescent lights and students talking. I wanted to come to school today, even if it was just to prove to myself that I could do it.

That didn't mean I still didn't feel empty and drained. There was a hollow feeling that I couldn't shake and I found myself trying desperately to fill it. That was also one of the reasons I didn't stay home.

Maybe the constant noise of school would distract me from the all-consuming presence of Saturday in my brain.

As I walked to my locker, I briefly glanced around the hallway for Connor. He said he would text me if he skipped again, but maybe he just overslept.

Instead I found a different Murphy. Zoe.

We made eye contact from across the hallway, and once she saw me her face light up like she had been looking for me. I stood next to my locker as she quickly weaved her way through students.

"Hey, where did you go yesterday? Is everything ok?" Zoe asked.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. I was, I was just tired and went home early. That's all."

"Was Connor with you? He left and wouldn't tell me where he was going." Of course he did. The corner of my mouth twitched as I suppressed a smile at just how in-character that was for him.

"Oh, yeah we just worked on a project."

Zoe stared at me like I had spoken a different language.

"...what?" I asked after a few moments. She sighed and shook her head.

"You know you're too good for him, right?"

"What?"

"Until you guys started being friends, or dating I guess, he was never this... well happy," Zoe said.

"Oh, well. I can't take all the credit, that was mostly him. I'm glad he's doing better though, but I didn't really have anything to do with it," I said. She still looked at me like I had grown another head.

"You're crazy. Either way, I'm glad you guys are happy."

"We are-"

"Hey, Evan. Zoe."

Startled, I looked over my shoulder to see Jared standing there. For some reason he didn't look upset.

"Hi Jared," Zoe greeted, unaware of the tension between the two of us.

"Jared? What? I thought you were mad at me?"

"Well, after some consideration, I realized it was for the better. You were right," he said.

"What?"

"Uh, I'm confused," Zoe said. So was I.

"Did you not tell her?" Jared asked, looking at me as if I was supposed to know what he was talking about. Before I could respond, he turned backed to Zoe. "Well you know how Evan and Connor aren't actually dating?"

No. I stared at Jared, terrified. Everything was coming apart so quickly. If Connor found out he would never talk to me again.

"What?!" Zoe shouted. I quickly glanced around, but no one was looking our way.

"Oh... guess he didn't tell you. Anyway, so Evan and I were dating-"

I stared to cut him off. "Wait-"

"I know. Don't worry. I said 'were', I don't want to make you uncomfortable. Anyways, he didn't want to tell anyone because he was pretending to date Connor, and I just assumed you knew. Which now I realize you don't, but whatever."

Zoe looked hurt and confused. I had to say something, I had to stop this! I don't know what Jared was playing at but I felt helpless. Instead of derailing this train wreck of a conversation, I just stayed silent. I was frozen. Paralyzed.

"Anyways, we broke up on Saturday, and I was mad at him which was totally unfair of me, and I'm so sorry Evan. You didn't deserve that, I understand that with the pressure from the situation with your dad that you can't handle a relationship right now. I hope we can still be friends."

"Wait. Is this true Evan? Does Connor know?" They were both looking at me, oh god they were looking at me.

"I- I..." I couldn't speak, I didn't know what to say. What do I say? How do I fix this?

"Well, sorry to interrupt your conversation. But no hard feelings, right?" Jared asked.

My stupid, stupid lizard brain heard the words "no hard feelings" and instinctively, I numbly nodded my head.

"Great. See you guys later!"

I watched his back retreat down the hallway. What just happened? How he can totally upend everything then just walk away? Zoe cleared her throat.

"I should probably get to class. See you later, I guess." Now I was alone at my locker. My mind raced. I was so deep in thought, so confused by the events that just took place, that I didn't hear the footsteps approaching.

"Hey." I whirled around to see Connor standing behind me, his hands up in surrender. "Woah! Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. What were you and Zoe talking about?"

He can't know.

"I... just... nothing. It's nothing."

This didn't satisfy him. "What do you-"

"Drop it," I said, my voice uncharacteristically blunt.

"Ok... well, anyway, my mom has been nagging me about invited you and Heidi over for dinner. Can you guys do Thursday?"

I wanted to decline. I was too exhausted and already regretted leaving the house this morning. But then I looked up, and saw those stupid gorgeous eyes. "I'll ask my mom, but sure. That sounds fun."

"Cool."

The conversation fell off, and the bell rang. I quietly turned and walked to class, ignoring the feeling of Connor's burning stare.

——————————

Even though I had gone to school to try and fill the gaping hole in my heart, I didn't pay attention during any of my classes. I was barely even phased when Mr. Harris announced that we had to present our projects tomorrow.

The only thing that jolted me back to reality was the buzzing in my pocket.

I glanced up to make sure no one was looking before I checked to see who was texting me.

J: how's it hanging?

Jared.

Me: What the fuck was that?

Me: What the fuck did you do?

J: i can't believe you don't remember the months that we've been dating. smh

Me: What are you talking about?

J: i hope Connor doesn't find out...

Me: Is this some kind of sick revenge?

He didn't respond. What the hell? Was this some kind of blackmail? Was he really that hurt over me going to Connor first? I mean, he can't blame me. He isn't exactly the most reliable to be emotionally available.

I zoned back out, going over and over what Jared could possibly want from me. To say sorry? To stop talking to Connor? I wouldn't, but did he want me to? What did he hope to gain from this lie?

I was startled when I finally noticed Connor standing in front of me and looking expectant.

"Hm?"

"Class is over." I looked around. Everyone was gathering their bags and leaving.

"Oh. Sorry."

"'S fine." He stared at me for a moment, his brows furrowed. "Are you okay? You've been off all period."

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine," I said, avoiding eye contact as we walked out of the classroom.

"Come on, you know you can-"

"No. No I can't, okay, and I would really appreciate if you could just understand that and leave it alone." Connor looked at me, surprised.

"Holy shit, I'm sorry. I was just trying to help."

"I, I know. I'm sorry."

As we walked down the hallway, someone caught my eye. Jared. He was looking at me, a smug smile on his face. I didn't do anything but swallow that feeling of terror and keep walking.


	12. Chapter 12: "Walking in the Dark"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: ME BEING A TOTAL FUCKING NERD

The dull drone of the teacher talking was drilling a hole into my skull. The information she was spewing was sitting in my mind like oil in water, just slipping away. I was too occupied by the feeling of eyes watching me that I knew belonged to Connor.

What the fuck was Jared's goal? Did Zoe actually believe him? Should I just explain this to Connor?

No. I couldn't. He might get mad at me, and stop talking to me all together. As it stands, the only reason we're friends is because he doesn't have any other ones. Which is mean to say, but true.

We only started talking because we sat next to each other in Chemistry last year, and I always laughed at the comments he made under his breath. I grew addicted to seeing the way he tilted his head down so his curtain of hair hid the smile on his face when I laughed.

He's just so... Connor. He acts tough, but really he listens to Dodie Clark and has this loud laugh that makes me just melt. I've borrowed (stolen) his sweatshirts more times then I can count, and they always smell like laundry detergent, winter, and a little bit of weed.

Ok yeah, weed smells awful, but it smells like him and he'd probably think I was creepy if he found out, but he takes my sweatshirts too so we're even.

I can't tell him. I'll wait for this to blow over. I can't risk him hating me. The thought terrified me. He's been my constant for so long, my anchor. My only friend who makes me feel normal.

I can't lose that.

Risking a quick glance, I checked to see if Connor was still staring at me. His head was resting in his folded arms, dark hair spread out like a halo around his head.

The lesson dragged on. I traced the graffiti etched into my desk, waiting for the day to be over. Here I was thinking my week couldn't be worse, then Jared turns into a wrecking ball that destroys the fragile stability I had just barely established.

Just when I thought everything was gonna be ok. I was happy. Genuinely happy. I had great friends, and everything was good. Then suddenly my dad destroys any sense of self-esteem I had, my friend yells at me for no reason, and now I'm walking across a minefield. One wrong move and I get blown apart.

All I wanted to do was stare at my bedroom wall. Maybe sleep if I get lucky enough. Laundry, if I'm feeling adventurous.

I could feel the anticipation grow in the classroom. You know the kind that comes just before the bells rings? When the sound of zippers and shuffling fill the room, and the teacher (who for some reason is still talking) starts speaking louder for no reason?

At last, the bell rang. I stood up, wanting to get out and go home before Connor could talk to me, but he materialized in front of me superhumanly fast. I blinked in surprise

"Uh... Hey," He said, fiddling with his sleeves. Long gone was the overwhelming stare from earlier. Now he was burning a hole in the desk with his eyes.

"Hey." I didn't want to be doing this. I wanted to be anywhere but here, standing next to the boy who stole my heart and didn't even know it, didn't bat an eye at the way he made my insides do backflips whenever his hand brushed mine.

He looked like he was about to say something, when the teacher cleared her throat and made a shooing gesture with her hand, motioning for us to leave. Grumbling, Connor grabbed me by the elbow and we walked out of the classroom.

"Um, I was wondering," He started, raising his voice to be heard over the din of the hallway. "D'ya want to hang out this afternoon? You've just seemed sad all week and I just thought we could go out and do something. I dunno."

No. "Yeah, definitely. I'd love to." Damn it. It wasn't that I didn't want to hang out with Connor. I just didn't want to do anything, especially with him. Every time I looked at him, all I could think about were Jared's words and the distrustful look Zoe's face.

"Cool," he said, softly smiling. I would do this for him. All I had to do was just be present for a few hours then I could go home and metaphorically vanish into oblivion. Although, I wouldn't mind actually vanishing.

We were already in the parking, climbing into Connor's car that always smelled like fast food (he hated it because he ate McDonalds in there one time and it just absorbed into the car and no amount of air freshener will get it out), when I realized that I didn't even know where we were going.

"So, where, where are we going? Should I be, uh, worried?" I asked, avoiding eye contact, my eyes glued to the windshield as I watched the cars clog up the exit, rushing to leave.

"Well, if you have any places you want suggest then I am all ears, but I was thinking we go to this really neat bookstore downtown? Then maybe coffee or some shit? We could just walk around town and see if there's anything interesting, if you want." That actually doesn't sound half bad.

"That... sounds great actually. But I didn't, I didn't bring any money-"

"Hey, I sprung this on you. I'll pay for it," he cut me off, waving a dismissive hand as he changed lanes. Immediately, I felt a wave of guilt and anxiety.

"No, no, I can't, that wouldn't be fair to, to you, I-"

"Ev, it's fine. Calm the fuck down. This is my gift to you and you can't pay for your own gift. That would be rude, and then I would be offended. Are you trying to offend me? Is that your goal?" Connor teased, grinning to let me know he was joking.

"Fine. But just this one time," I said. I rolled my eyes, but inside I was also smiling. Maybe this wasn't gonna be bad.

"Suuuure. Just this one time," He said, in a tone that meant it definitely would not be just this one time.

"Um, which bookstore are we going to? Like, I've only been to one downtown but, are there, like, are there multiple?"

"I was planning on going to this joint coffee-bookstore that I go to a lot called The Book Factory." I've heard of that before. I think.

"Oh. That sounds cool," I said, sounding so extremely disinterested.

"It is," Connor replied, sounding like he could very much hear the disinterest. And it's not that I was bored, I was just hollow and didn't feel like exerting energy.

"So, uh, what kind of books do you read? Like, a favorite genre, or, or something?" This was the right thing to say. His face lit up, and he glanced excitedly at me like he had been waiting to talk about this to someone.

"Queer contemporary, mostly. I'm not really into fantasy, because the world-building is just so tedious and I hate being confused for the first 30 or so pages, ya know? What about you?"

"Oh, I don't really read a whole lot. Nothing against reading, I just wouldn't know where to like, start? If that makes sense?" I sheepishly responded. He's gonna think I'm stupid and illiterate.

"I can totally recommend some books to you if you want!" Oh. That wasn't what I was expecting. I glance over at Connor, and make eye contact for the first time today. He doesn't look disgusted. He looks happy to be talking about this.

"Oh, sure. That would be nice." I'm quiet for the rest of the drive, letting the sound of the engine fill the space, lulling us into a comfortable silence.

Finally, we stopped in front of a shopping strip, and approached a building with a cartoon book wearing glasses printed on the window. When we walked in, I immediately smelled coffee coming from the connected cafe.

"Wow... this place is, uh. Big." What intellectual commentary. But Connor didn't mention how stupid that was to say. Instead, he nodded and grinned.

"Yeah. The nonfiction section is over there, and the adult fiction is over there, which you can go to but I usually go to the YA fiction section which is over here," he said, as he pointed to the respective aisles.

As we walked through the store, I let him lead me. It was almost incredible how in his element Connor was. His shoulders relaxed and he pointed out all the books he recognized or read.

"Ok this one. I have to get you this one it's so good. The plot twist is phenomenal." He placed a small paperback on the growing tower in my arms.

"O-oh, ok-" I tried to shift the books around to make them easier to carry, but he was already back to roaming the aisles.

"Oh, I remember that book. I haven't read it in a while, but I loved Darcy!" He commented. Sighing wistfully, he turned back to another shelf.

I was looking around, when a bright rainbow cover caught my eye.

"Hey, I think I read this in like, 9th grade," I said, walking over. It definitely looked familiar.

"Which one?"

"Uh... Warcross? Does that ring any bells?" Reading the back, I confirmed it. It had been a while, but I read this during finals week in 9th grade. I remember being really stressed that week, and went to the library to study during lunch, but I saw the book and ended up checking it out.

"I don't think so." Connor said. I chuckled.

"For once I can be the one recommending you a book." He smiled and shook his head, before spotting another book.

"Ok this one was amazing, it's about time travelers falling in love and I'm now getting this for you," he said, adding a book with 2 birds on the cover onto my pile.

I wasn't sure if I would be able to carry any more, so we checked out. I paled at the number on the register.

"I don't know if I can pay for all these-" I started, but was cut off as Connor pulled out his card.

"I already told you, My treat."

"N-no! Absolutely not, Connor, that's over $100! I can't make you do that." I felt awful. Here he was, buying me stuff, and what was I doing in return? Lying to his fucking face.

"I'm the one who brought you here. It's fine," he said, waving one off.

As the cashier bagged the books, I glared at him. "What?"

"You're a jerk," I stated, the beginnings of a smile on my face to let him know I was joking.

"I'm a jerk because I just bought you a bunch of books?" He asked, laughing.

"Yes."

Connor rolled his eyes, and grabbed the bag. "Ok dork, let's go get some coffee."

——————————

"I- what. What even is that?"

We had been walking around the area when I dragged Connor into an antique store. Currently, we were staring at an old computer sized machine with cogs.

"That has to be at least 1000 years old, I refuse to believe that was built in this millennia," Connor deadpanned, and I covered my mouth with my hand to muffle my laughter.

"Is it like, one of those things they, that they used to like... the cotton. The cotton thing. You know," I said.

"No. I don't."

"No, like the thing. With the cotton. And they used to do something with the cotton in it. In the 1880's." I knew what I was talking about, because we learned it in History, but he just looked at me, confused.

"Evan, I genuinely can not express how much I absolutely don't know what you're talking about."

I pulled out my phone and googled '1800's cotton machine'. It was silent for a moment.

"THE COTTON GIN!" I suddenly yelled, only to be met with a glare from the employees. I turned red, and whispered, "it's the cotton gin."

"The what?" Connor asked, just as confused as before. I clicked the Wikipedia definition and read it aloud.

"It separates the cotton fibers from the seeds." I showed him a picture.

"That is not at all what this thing looks like." He shook his head. I could see one of the employees whispering and pointing at us.

"Ok, we should go before they think we're stealing."

"Are we?"

"No. No we are not."

One of the employees was walking towards us, so Connor grabbed my hand and ran. I laughed, and ran with him, and did not think about the fact that his hand was in mine. Not at all.

The drive back to my house as quiet again, but instead of nauseous anxiety, I was filled with a buzzing happiness. I didn't say anything until I was getting out of the car with my bag of books.

"Thank you. Really. I really needed this. I was feeling pretty shitty and... just... thank you. So much," I said, and I meant it.

"It's no problem," Connor said. He looked like he wanted to say something else, but didn't. I stood in silence for a moment before he finally spoke. "Well, I should go. Uh, I had fun today. And! Tell me what you think about the books!"

"I will. Bye."

"Bye." I waved, and he drove off. I looked around, but didn't see my moms car. She must be at work, but I didn't expect any different.

Tiredly, I walked upstairs and dropped my bag at the foot of my bed before collapsing on it. My exhaustion has been at bay while I was out but now that I was alone it caught up with me.

I would have fallen asleep right then and there if my phone hadn't buzzed.

J: can we talk

What the fuck.

J: please

What the fuck?

J: i can see that you've read this

J: ev, come on

Who does he think he is? He just upended my life and put my relationship with Connor in jeopardy, and now he wants to talk?

He's lucky I don't block his number. I probably should, but instead I just turn off read receipts and roll over to sleep. Homework can wait.


	13. Chapter 13: "Family Dinner: The Sequel"

The clear chiming of the doorbell rang out, echoing in the porch. I subtly wiped my hands on the sides of my jeans, already feeling the sweat collecting. I didn't have a good feeling about this.

The last dinner I had at the Murphy's was a disaster. Maybe not the dinner itself, but I could still hear Connor's angry words, clear as day. And this time, my mom was here.

If this wasn't a recipe for disaster then I don't know what is.

Footsteps thudded inside the house, along with a muffled voice. They stopped, and the door opened. Connor stood, breathless from running, his hair tied up. He smiled at me, evening sunlight dappling his face.

"Hey," he said softly, attempting to catch his breath. Wisps of hair that had fallen free from the hair tie framed his face, dancing delicately in the breeze.

"Uh... hey," I murmured. Our eyes held contact for a scant second, and in that moment, the universe felt ok again.

Mom awkwardly shifted her weight, clearly not knowing what to do. Connor's eyes snapped towards her, and his face turned red.

"Oh, oh, hi Ms. Hansen!" He said, stumbling over his words. "You guys are kinda early, so Mom's in the kitchen and my dad's... somewhere. I dunno actually. I think I'm supposed to be helping my mom cook, but instead I am here." He retreated back into the house, signaling for us to follow.

"It smells lovely, what is she making?" Mom asked.

"Something Paleo. She's on one of her weird diet things, so we can't eat dairy or grain."

My mom must have went into the kitchen to help cook or talk to Cynthia or something, because the next thing I knew, I was alone in the living room with Connor. We sat opposite each other, and I nervously fiddled with the seam of the cushion.

"So. How've you been?" He asked. Probably just to say something, so it wouldn't get awkward. Despite how long we'd been friends, awkwardness seemed to happen a lot these days. I almost would have preferred an awkward silence over this question, though.

"Connor, you saw me a few hours ago at school."

"That doesn't answer my question," he said, adamant.

"I'm..." I wasn't okay. I knew I wasn't, I was getting tired of lying. "I'm gonna get through it."

Connor looked at me, disappointed. I avoided eye contact, opting to stare at the floor in shame. "Are you ever going to tell me what's going on with you?"

"You know what happened with my dad," I said, continuing to stare at the floor like I wanted something from it. I did. I wanted death.

A wave of deja vu flooded me. I kept getting reminded of last time, and if this dinner was going to turn out anything like last time, then I might as well just surrender to whatever higher power exists because they clearly don't want me to be happy.

"Yeah, ok, but I feel like it's not just that. Something else happened," Connor pressed.

"It's not a big deal," I shrugged, my eyes flitting up towards his for a second before turning back downwards, unable to hold contact for long. It wasn't just the anxiety of eye contact. It was that disapproving look on his face. I felt like a child being scolded, but so much worse.

"Ev, please. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I'll say it as many times as it takes. Out of all the people you have to lie to, it shouldn't be me. Please, let me in. Let me help, because if I know you, I know that you probably haven't told anyone else either. So please. What happened?"

Finally, I looked up. Connor was staring at me, expectantly. I stared right back, studying his expression. Not disappointed. Concerned. He was concerned for me.

Maybe I didn't have to tell him the whole truth. Just part of it. Enough to satisfy him, to convince him to back off, that'd he'd solved the problem.

"Jared..." I faltered. How much was too much? How deep could I go without arising questions?

"What? What did he do? Did he hurt you? That son of a bitch, I-" Connor growled, his shoulders tensing. I leaned forward, putting a hand on his knee to calm him down. It worked.

"No! I... he... ugh. After I hung up on Saturday, when I told you what happened with my dad, I gave Jared a brief rundown. And, I guess he didn't like that I went to you first. I've been 'friends' with him for years, and I've been friends with you for like a year too, so I don't understand why he's suddenly mad now, but... he hasn't spoken to me since then."

Connor softened, and moved to sit next to me. For a second, we let the sounds of our moms talking and pots clattering fill the silence, and I suppressed the urge to lean into him.

Finally, he spoke. "He's a douchebag and you should have dropped him a long time ago."

"I know, I just. He's a dick, but he was there for me for a long time. Kind of."

"I thought he was an asshole back then too?" He asked.

"Well, he was, but he was also my only... family friend, so I just-" I started, before Connor cut me off.

"Evan. He won't even admit that you guys are friends. Besides, now you have me. I'm your friend. You don't need him." I nodded, wringing my hands. I knew it was a lost fight, but I still couldn't shake the feeling that it was my fault.

"I guess, but I just feel bad."

"You didn't do anything. He just got jealous because he realized he wouldn't have you there to bully all the time."

Connor doesn't realize. He doesn't realize how much of an impact he's had on me. He doesn't realize how much good he's done for me. How much I need him right now.

He doesn't realize how much he should hate me.

"I... thank you."

He doesn't know what I've done.

"For what?"

He doesn't know how easy it would be for him to hate me. With just a few sentences. If he knew the truth.

"For being here. And talking to me. And putting up with me," I sighed.

"You aren't someone I 'put up with'. I really like being around you, and hanging out with you. I like you." If only he was saying those words in a different context.

"Careful now, or someone'll think we're actually dating."

Shit shit shit shit shit.

"Yeah," Connor said, huffing a dry laugh and looking away.

What the fuck was that. Oh my god. He looks so uncomfortable, holy shit. I just ruined everything.

It didn't even take any intervention from Jared to ruin things between me and Connor. Me and my mouth did that all by ourselves.

I don't even know why I said it. I don't. Truly. It was a bad attempt at a joke, and I want to explain that, but everything about Connor's body language right now suggests he either wants to be anywhere but here or it's taking all of his willpower not to beat me into a pulp.

"Dinner's ready!" Cynthia calls from the kitchen before I can say anything.

"Coming," Connor replies, leaving the room as fast as he can. I give the front door, my only escape, a longing glance before I follow him.

The room is filled with squeaking chairs and rattling silverware as everyone sat down and dished out the food. It was some kind of chicken. I ended up between Connor and Zoe. The people at the table who hated me the most right now. Great.

I briefly entertained the idea of stabbing myself with the cutting knife, but realized I wouldn't bleed out quick enough to die and would just end up traumatizing everyone. Which meant I would just have to wait this out.

Once the clatter cleared, Cynthia looked at me and smiled. Panic immediately seized me. She was gonna start talking to me and that meant I was going to have to talk back and also my mom was here and everything was going to be awful.

"So, Evan, are you and Zoe friends?" She asked, unaware that she was about to be arrested for 3rd degree murder because I felt my heart stop and wasn't sure it was gonna start again, ever.

I felt Zoe stiffen beside me. Thankfully, she answered before I could. "I've seen him at school before."

"Oh, that's nice."

"Yep," she said dryly, obviously disinterested. I shrunk down a bit, knowing it was because of me.

The conversation fell off for a moment, before being forcefully revived like Cynthia. I wanted nothing more then for her to put away the defibrillator and just let the conversation die. Maybe we could get through the whole meal in silence.

"Heidi, uh, where do you work?"

"I'm a nurse, at South View Hospital, but I'm studying to become a paralegal," Mom replied.

"Oh, hey, my law firm's always looking for paralegals," Larry said. I stopped paying attention when I heard Connor shift closer to me, leaning over so he could whisper to me.

"What's up with Zoe? She seems pissed at you," He asked. I paused. He didn't sound angry. Maybe I hadn't ruined everything.

"I dunno," I said, very much knowing.

At this, Zoe stood up from her chair, the legs squeaking against the floor, and huffed out of the room, shooting a glare at me. "Asshole," she muttered, stalking off.

Connor made a move like he was going to confront her, seeming mad. I put a hand on his arm to placate him. I whispered, "It's fine," quietly so that our parents wouldn't hear me.

"No, it's not, she can't just-"

"Please." Glaring at the spot where Zoe had left, Connor swore under his breath and sulked in his chair, but didn't go after her. I let out a relieved breath.

"I'm always talking to Connor about college but he never listens," Larry said, raising his voice and staring pointedly at his son.

"Larry-" Cynthia started. I shared a quick glance with Mom, preparing myself for the showdown.

"Dad, what the f-" Connor said, raising his voice. I squeezed his arm, and laced my fingers in his hand, praying that there wouldn't be any sweat. He took a deep breath. "I do listen. I just don't know where I want to go yet. It's a big decision."

Doing a double take, Larry looked between the two of us. "Well, that's ok. You have time. What about you, Evan, what colleges are you thinking about?"

"Oh, oh I don't know yet, I, I might go to community college. Get some credits first before going anywhere," I said, shocked that it had worked. I could see Connor looking at our conjoined hands, but I didn't want to move them and he didn't make a move to either.

Larry nodded. It was quiet for a second before he spoke up again. "How are you two going to... keep the relationship once you go to college? Assuming you go to different colleges, of course."

I whipped my head up so hard I'm surprised I didn't break my neck. In my haste to make sure this night didn't go south, we forgot to tell the Murphy's that my mom didn't know that we were 'dating'.

Despite wanting nothing more then to rewind time or to swan dive off of the nearest bridge, I stayed put. I heard Connor sharply inhale, and he clutched tighter onto my hand.

"What? Relationship?" My mom asked.   
Terrified, I looked at her. She didn't seem angry yet, just confused.

That would change any second now.

"Mom-"

"Oh. You didn't know." Larry exchanged a mortified look with Cynthia.

"Evan? What is he talking about?"

Everything was crashing down.

"Can I, uh, talk to you? Outside?" I asked, stumbling as I tried to stand up. I let go of Connor's hand, missing it immediately. It would be nice to have some support, but I would never force him to be there for this.

"Excuse us," she said, voice suddenly deadly calm. I tried to get a read on her face but her back was already turned and she was walking away. Shooting one last petrified glance at Connor, who looked sympathetic, I followed her outside.

"Mom, don't be mad-" I said the moment the door slammed shut, but she interrupted me.

"Mad? Mad doesn't even begin to cover what I'm feeling right now," She said, her voice quick and sharp. "You've been in a relationship with your best friend. And you never told me? You told his family but not your own mother? Shit. How long?"

"How, how long what?" I knew what she was asking, but wanted to avoid the brunt of it for as long as possible.

"How long have you been dating? How long have they known?" She wasn't yelling, but I still flinched at the question.

"I... well, they found out a couple weeks ago ok, I didn't, I didn't want them to know, but it's been, uh, a little over a, a month-"

"A month?!" Now she was yelling.

"Mom, please. It's not that big of a deal," I said, trying to calm her down. She laughed, a dry humorless sound, and I started worrying the hem of my shirt, anxious.

"Of course it's a big deal Evan, I am your mother. I am your mother. I feel like I hardly see you anymore. I never get to talk to you, and you don't tell me anything."

"Well, you're never there," I said defensively, raising my voice. She stared at me, a molten look in her eyes. A helpless choking feeling was climbing up my throat, and my collar was too tight.

An awful silence blanketed the bitterly cold air. Finally, Mom spoke up. "Who else?"

"Wha-what?"

"Who else knows?" She repeated, voice barely above a whisper. I took a deep, shaky breath before bracing myself.

"Well, uh, Connor's family. And the school, the people at school found out. I didn't want them to, but it's not like a huge thing. Uh, Jared. And... Dad." The silence was even more smothering, and I could practically feel the anger radiating off of her.

"Your father knew before me?" Mom asked, voice shaking.

"...yeah. But it was an accident, ok, I just said it to make him mad."

She looked away. "I'm gonna go. I- you- you'll be able to get home alright?"

What? My eyes widened, and I spluttered, "I can ask C-"

"Good. Good. I'll see you later then- or maybe not, because apparently I'm never there, right?" She spat out before stalking away.

I stood out there for a while, long after her car drove away and the streetlights came on. Eventually, I sat down on the stoop and dropped my head into my hands.

The front door creaked open. "Is everything ok?" Connor asked softly. He sat down beside me, and I moved closer to him, shoulders touching. Hot tears pressed against my eyes.

"I-" Before I could finish, a sob ripped through me and all the tears I had been holding back since Mom left came pouring out.

"Oh shit, hey. It's ok, no, don't, you're okay. You're okay," Connor whispered, pulling me close to him. I buried my face in his neck, wrapping my arms around him.

I don't know if I expected him to pull away or not, but he didn't. I don't know if he expected me to pull away or not, but I didn't. He let me cry into him for as long as I needed.

Finally, I pulled back, face red and puffy, tear tracks marking my cheeks. I looked away, embarrassed, and wiped the remaining tears from my eyes. "I'm sorry," I said, voice hoarse and croaky.

"Never be sorry about that," He said, just as softly as before. We sat there together on the stoop for a moment, before his arm wrapped around my shoulders.

I leaned my head onto his shoulder without hesitating, our breaths puffing white into the night air.

Finally, Connor retracted his arm and stood up, offering a hand to me. "C'mon. Let's go inside."


	14. Chapter 14: "Mistakes and Forgiveness"

The only thing that I could really feel was the warm arm Connor had slung over my shoulders as the front door gently shut behind us. I was there, but I wasn't.

I stopped suddenly. "Oh, uh. Can you drive me home? At some point? Tonight? I'm really sorry, it's just that she left and every-"

"Hey. It's fine. Of course," Connor said, effectively halting my ramble of apologies. He was watching me softly, almost pityingly. I looked away, fiddling with the cuff of my sleeve.

"Thank you," I whispered. I hope he realized that I was thanking for more than the ride. Way more.

"Of course."

We passed the kitchen on our way to Connor's room, but were stopped by his parents, who were looking frantic. "What happened? Is everything ok? Where did Heidi go?" Asked Cynthia, her usual put-togetherness having a run down look to it.

"Oh, I. We had a... talk. And she left, so, so Connor's gonna drive me home," I said, omitting some parts. They didn't need to know how badly I'd fucked up.

Surprisingly, Larry stepped forward. "Evan, I'm sorry. I wouldn't have said anything if I had known your mother didn't know."

"It's ok," I said, staring at the floor, and continuing to wear out the edge of my sleeve. Connor noticed, and led me back up to his room. I leaned against him as I walked, using him for support. This night had taken a lot out of me.

We sat shoulder to shoulder on his bed, and normally I would try not to think about how our thighs were pressed together, but I was too tired, so I just enjoyed the contact.

"When do you want to go home?" He asked. The pitying voice was back. He was talking to me like I was a scared animal that could run off.

I wanted to leave as soon as possible. I just needed to be alone for a bit. And I'd already bothered Connor so much, it'd probably be best to leave.

But I was more scared of my mom's reaction at the moment than anything else. So instead, I said, "Can... would it be ok if we waited? I want to give my mom time to get away from me before I go back."

"She doesn't want to get away from you."

"You didn't see her face, Con. She was so angry at me. She should be, I deserve it." I knew I was sinking into self deprecation and pity, but it was true. I had gone and made an already tricky situation worse for everyone.

"Hey now. None of that. She isn't angry at you. She loves you, and she'll forgive you," He said, his arm snaking back around my neck. I leaned my head on his shoulder, just like when we were outside. I normally wouldn't have the nerve to do that, but I still didn't quite feel real.

"I still feel bad," I whispered, voice muffled by Connor's hoodie. It smelled like him, and I curled up closer than was heterosexual. He didn't seem to mind though, as he turned and wrapped his other arm around me.

I inhaled deeply, surrounding myself in the scent of his hoodie (laundry detergent, winter, and weed). It grounded me, and I came back to Earth again.

"It wasn't your fault. At all. If anyone's to blame, it's me. I'm the reason we're in this whole mess in the first place. If I had kept my mouth shut then none of this would have happened."

"No, it's my fault. I should have told my mom, and I shouldn't have yelled at her," I said, shaking my head.

"Are we gonna go around like this in circles forever?" Connor asked, laughing into my neck. I repressed a shiver and smiled.

"Do you want to?"

"Not particularly. Let's agree to say it was everyone's fault," he said.

"Everyone's? What did Cynthia do?"

"Her bad cooking." I snorted, and Connor's chest shook with quiet laughter. I felt him tugging my body towards him as he leaned back into the bed.

At least before our hugging could be explained by saying that he was trying to make me feel better after my mom stormed off. This, however, was just straight up cuddling. I wasn't complaining, though.

"It wasn't that bad. What did Zoe do?"

"She's excluded, because she left before shit hit the fan. But she was a bitch." How was I supposed to tell him? They already had a fragile relationship and I couldn't be the one to destroy the glass bond.

"No, she wasn't. I deserved it," I said quietly, shaking my head slightly.

"We literally just went over how you didn't," Connor said, sounded amused and exasperated. He moved his hand a few inches higher, resting right at the base of my neck. I prayed he didn't feel my pulse racing.

"No, this is something else. Something that I... I did-" I heard him take in a breath to speak.  
"-And no, I can't tell you. I will when I'm ready, but not right now."

"It might help you," Connor suggested. I knew he would keep pressing this. I loved that he was worried but I shouldn't be obliged to tell him. Even if I was, I still wouldn't.

"I can't," I murmured, burying my head in his chest so I wouldn't have to see his disappointed face. And also because I wanted to. He drew me even closer.

"It's not good to keep it in-"

I sat up abruptly. "Please! Ok, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, but I can't. And it's just... it's complicated, ok? I, it. Ugh. It's complicated. Just don't be mad at Zoe for something I did. She should be angry with me."

"Can you at least tell me something? Did you do anything to her specifically?" He pleaded.

I didn't want to say anything. I wanted to remain resolute, stone. But he was holding me so close, and his eyes were begging me. So, slowly, I laid back down, my chin resting on Connor's chest so I could look him in the eye.

"No. She's... I was involved in something. That. Affected another person. Negatively. And she is angry for that person," I said haltingly. He blinked.

"That was so fucking vague," Connor said, huffing a quiet laugh even though what I said wasn't funny.

"I know. That was on purpose."

We just looked at each other for a moment. A ghost of a smile appeared on his face, and I grinned back. Finally, I said something that had been nagging me since before dinner.

"Hey about earlier..."

"What?"

"I just... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. It was a bad attempt at a joke, because we're in a weird situation and I was trying to make light of that and it came out wrong and I didn't know how to fix it or what to say, and then you were walking away and I just. I'm sorry," I finished.

"It's okay. Really. I understand," Connor said, looking slightly surprised by my sudden word vomit.

"It wasn't okay. I'm really sorry, it was an awful thing to say-" I was cut off by a finger being held to my lips, silencing me. My ears burned, and my eyes widened.

My gaze flew up to meet Connor's. His brows furrowed. Slowly, he moved his hand back to its place on my neck. I swallowed hard.

"Don't beat yourself up about it," he whispered.

The room was silent. My lips tingled from where his finger touched them, and the electricity between us crackled. Our faces were only inches apart.

They felt like they were closer. His eyes flickered to my lips, cheeks dusting with blush.

I barely even registered that I had lunged forward until I felt his lips on mine, kissing me back for just the barest second, and then him wrenching us apart. "Woah!"

I scrambled backwards, and he pushed himself against the headboard. I could feel his eyes burning into me, but I stared at my shaking hands instead. No part of me wanted to deal with the disgusted look on his face.

It was stupid of me to think I would face anything other than rejection. Then again, I wasn't really thinking at all.

For a moment the only sound was our heavy breathing, until what I had done finally hit me.

I had kissed Connor Murphy.

"I... I'm sorry. Oh. Oh my god. I-I should go," I stammered, looking anywhere but at him.

My feet carried me towards the door. My legs were shaking. My chest heaved with unsteady breaths.

"I'm sorry," I said one last time, my voice barely a whisper, shaking from the tears that were building up.

Connor said nothing as the door closed behind me, and I ran outside, furiously rubbing at my eyes. I had already cried too much in just a few short hours.

I stopped abruptly at the curb, the Murphy's house behind me. Connor was my ride home, but I'd rather die then walk back in there and spend an extended period of time with him.

Honestly, dying didn't sound too bad right now. My neck twitched, and I brought a hand to my forehead. I was better than that.

A car revved in the distance. My house wasn't too far away. Maybe 30 minutes, if I speed walk. No sooner had I resolved to walk home, however, when a gust of bitterly cold wind chilled me to the bone.

It brought me to a stop. I looked back at the Murphy's house, Connor's curtains drawn tight. I looked down at the phone in my pocket. I had other options.

I started walking, almost thankful for the blustery weather. It gave me something to focus on. It was much easier to think about how cold I was than to think about the mess I left behind and the mess I was talking towards.

The walk reminded me of walking to Connor's house after school. Except this time, instead of a warm afternoon with my favorite person by my side, it was cold and dark and I was alone.

Even with the frigid air, I was still thinking about him.

A small rock caught my eye. I squatted down next to it, and picked it up. For some reason, it looked familiar. I looked around, and zeroed in on the sidewalk.

This rock. It's still here, even after these few chaotic weeks. I wondered how many times we had passed it before that day. The day this shit all started. This rock we had kicked back and forth, not knowing that the universe would fracture in a few short minutes.

I turned the rock over in my hand for a few seconds, before pocketing it and continuing with my walk. This wouldn't be so bad.

And it wasn't. Until it was. Until my fingers were numb and my lips were blue. Until my legs burned and my feet ached. Until I finally checked how far I had left to walk on Google Maps only to find out I had another half hour left.

I couldn't keep walking. I had to swallow my pride and do something. The fluorescent shine of a gas station caught my eye, and I darted across the street. Sitting down on the curb, making sure to avoid the scattered cigarette butts, I pulled out my phone.

It rang once. Then twice. Then three times. I held my breath. It stopped. I waited for a voicemail, but instead was greeted by the crackling noise that let me know the call had been accepted. I almost sighed in relief.

"What? I thought you said Connor could pick you up?" Mom asked, her voice cold and tinny over the speaker.

"Mom, I'm so sorry," I whispered, my voice cracking. She paused.

"Is everything alright?"

"I'm outside of the Speedway. I'm so sorry. Can you please come get me?" I asked. The tears that I held back earlier were dangerously close to spilling.

"Of course. Can you tell me what happened?" She asked. I heard the jingling of keys and a door closing.

"I... please just come get me. I'm sorry."

"Ok, I'll be there as soon as possible." I almost said something else, maybe asking her if she hated me. Maybe apologizing again.

Instead, I just hung up and brought my knees up to my forehead. This was possibly one of the least sanitary places I could be in, but I didn't care.

After what felt like years, but was probably only a few minutes, I heard a car door slam and foot steps run towards me. I looked up, expecting a murderer, or perhaps an angry Connor.

But it wasn't either of those things, fortunately. It was my mom, standing over me and looking concerned, all traces of anger gone.

Seeing her there was what broke me. I stood up, tears flowing, ready to apologize some more. I'd apologize how ever many times it took. I'd do whatever it took. I just wanted my mom right now. 

"Oh, Evan," she said, and wrapped her arms around me. I sobbed into her shoulder, shaking.

"I'm so sorry," I said, voice muffled by her shirt. I felt her shake her head, and she pulled me back to look me in the eye.

"What happened?"

I paused, then glanced around. Swarms of mayflys were fluttering around the harsh lights of the building, and the cold air was ever-present.

"Can we go home first? I'd rather talk there." Mom looked at me for a moment, then nodded. I silently followed her into the car, absolutely spent. I felt like I could sleep for a thousand years.

Thankfully, she didn't ask me anything until we had gotten home. I wanted to just go straight to my room, but instead I followed her into the living room and she sat on the couch, looking at me expectantly.

"Evan, please. You're scaring me. What happened?" Mom pleaded.

"Well, I... ok. He. For starters, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't tell you but please just hear me out first. We aren't dating."

"What?" I looked up, realizing how what I said sounded. I didn't want her to think I was covering up anything.

"That's not some dumb excuse either, we really aren't dating. It was a mistake and he told his parents that we were just to make them stop talking and one thing led to another so now everyone thinks we're dating," I explained.

"Oh."

"Only Jared knows it's not real. I didn't tell you because we weren't dating and it would just make things harder."

"I'm so sorry, Evan. I got so mad at you and you didn't do anything. I'm sorry," she said, clasping my hand in hers. I didn't want her to feel bad.

"It's ok Mom. I would have done the same thing," I reassured her.

"Was that why you were upset earlier?"

This part was significantly harder then the rest. Once again, I was faced with the question: how much do I say? I definitely won't be telling her about what happened with Jared. I don't want to give her any more cause to hate me.

"No. I... I'm bisexual," I said nervously.

"...Was that why you were upset earlier?" Mom asked. I gaped at her.

"No! Are you gonna have any reaction?"

"Sweetie, I'm so glad you told me, but I already knew. Maybe not all of it, but I can tell by the way you look at Connor that you like him more than a friend."

I flushed, and looked away. "We aren't dating," I repeated.

"I know. But you want to be?" Damn her for being good at reading me. I know it's cliche to be talking to my mom about boys, but I didn't care. I was just thankful she didn't hate me.

"That's the problem. After you left, he sat with me for a bit. And we went up to his room and I wanted to give you space before I came home so we talked and then I just. I kissed him. And now he hates me."

"He doesn't hate you," she said, a laugh creeping into her voice.

"I don't know..." I sighed. He did kiss me back, just barely. But then he pulled away, so maybe it was just a gut instinct. His lips were chapped, and warm. I bit my lip to keep myself from smiling. I may have ruined our friendship, but at least I had that moment.

"Evan. I say this in the best way possible, because I am your mother and I care about you. But you are dense."

"Mom, you can't just say that. I'm upset and that's rude," I said, feigning offense. She laughed.

"Then I guess I'm rude, huh? But really, he doesn't hate you. He smiles at you like you hung the moon and lit all the stars in the sky."

"I don't know. I just think I ruined everything." I wanted to wrap this conversation up. I was cold and tired and wanted nothing more than to just sleep.

"Just talk to him. Communication is key to a healthy relationship."

"Mom, we aren't in a relationship," I said, exasperated.

"I just mean any form of relationship. Romantic, platonic, familial. However, if you two talk, you might-"

"Ok! I am quite literally begging you to stop." She chuckled, and I rolled my eyes.

"It's late. You should get some sleep," Mom said. I nodded, stifling a yawn. I was not looking forward to school tomorrow. I would be exhausted and have to see Jared, and-

No. I couldn't deal with two people that hated me. Not when I was this drained.

"Can I, uh, skip tomorrow? I promise I'll make up all my work, I'm just really tired," I said sheepishly.

It was quiet for a moment, as Mom looked at me, thinking. Finally, she sighed.

"Just this once."

"Thank you!" She smiled, and made a shooing motion. I nodded, and dragged myself upstairs. I closed the door behind me, and sank down against it. Something sharp poked my leg and I hissed in pain.

I reached into my pocket, and remembered the rock. I stared at it for a moment, before putting it on my desk. A keepsake. Something to remember the best person I ever knew.

Rubbing my eyes, I plugging my phone into the charger. It light up, and displayed a message. Fear turned into annoyance when I realized it was Jared.

J: please can we talk

Me: Stop

J: I'm so sorry

Me: I'm blocking you. Bye.

I wasn't actually. I wanted to, but what if he got hurt? And I was the only person available, but I had blocked him and he died and it would all be my fault.

So he stayed unblocked. Thankfully, he didn't respond again. I put my phone down, and rolled over, waiting for sleep to take me.


	15. Chapter 15: "Detective Connor"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor's POV

It was a beautiful morning. Birds were chirping and the sun was shining, or whatever. It was nice out and I was not paying attention. I almost wished the weather was as uncertain and gloomy as I was feeling.

The urge to just walk upstairs and sleep the day away was strong. School was something I couldn't deal with right now. But, I stayed put at the kitchen table and rubbed the sleep from my eyes as I waited for Zoe to come bounding down the stairs. It was odd for me to be ready before her.

Not that I was complaining. I didn't really want to be around anyone if I could help it. Well, almost anyone. The only person I wanted to be with hasn't spoken to me in days.

I don't know why Evan had been avoiding me. As much as I wanted to think that it was because he hated me, he had been the one to initiate the kiss.

Maybe he thought that I hated it, which was not true. At all. Far from it. In fact, it was so far from the truth that if you had to make a diagram of 'the truth' and 'I hated the kiss', the two would be on opposite sides.

I had been wanting to do that for months now. One day, he was just my best friend. Then the next, I was watching him and thinking, 'God. He's beautiful.'

I remember the moment I realized. We were sitting in the courtyard and eating lunch. It was still a little cold outside, so he had shifted closer to me, our shoulder brushing. One of us had said something, and Evan started laughing.

His face was slightly flushed, and his forehead crinkled as he tilted his head to the side, like he was trying to hide his smile. The morning sun outlined his face and I just. Grinned. And watched.

And it just kind of hit me. Like 'Hey, it's not very heterosexual to call your best friend beautiful.' So I just never told him. I was fine with what we had, and assumed the feelings would disappear. 

They didn't. And either Evan h-

My pondering was interrupted as I felt a pencil hit the side of my head. I whipped around and fixed my glare on Zoe, who was standing impatiently by the door. "What?"

"I've called your name like, 12 times. Come on, or I'm making you walk again," She said, turning away without waiting for an answer.

"Fuck you," I grumbled, voice lacking any venom.

"Fuck you." I know she didn't mean it because she didn't give me that blank stare, hiding her barely concealed anger. I hoped she knew I didn't mean it either.

The drive to school was silent, save for whatever shitty music she was playing. I didn't pay attention, choosing to rest my forehead against the cool window and resume my contemplating.

Evan kissed me. That meant he liked me, right? You don't just kiss someone because you like being their friend. That meant that I had a chance.

If he still wanted to talk to me that is. I did push him away, right before he ran off and left me staring blankly at the wall.

I'd spent the last 5 days kicking myself over and over again. Why would I pull away?! Why didn't I chase after him?! Evan Hansen was kissing me and I fucking pulled away and let him run off. No wonder he wasn't talking to me.

"Hey."

Maybe that wasn't the reason he was avoiding me, though. Maybe I did do something. Maybe I'm so wrapped up in the idea that he likes me that I'm ignoring some heinous thing I did. It wouldn't be the first time.

"Hey!"

It could have absolutely nothing to do with me, however. He could just be going through his own thing. It probably has to do with whatever's going on between him and Zoe.

"Connor!" Zoe screeched, and I sat up quickly, hitting my head on the car roof. I cursed, and glared at her.

"Holy fuck, what?" I hissed, trying to keep the ever-present anger out.

"What is up with you? Your head's been somewhere else for days now."

"It doesn't matter." I sounded harsher than I wanted to, and flinched back at the sound of my own voice.

"Whatever. We're at school by the way. That's what I was trying to tell you before you decided to be an asshole." She started to climb out of the car.

"Wait," I called. Zoe stopped and looked at me apprehensively.

"I... I'm sorry," I whispered, lowering my head in shame. I was being bitchy to her because of something that wasn't her fault. And I couldn't erase the years of yelling and insults, but I could start apologizing for them at least.

Zoe watched me for a moment, wary. Like I was gonna start laughing and say 'Sike!'. Which, obviously, I wasn't. It hurt that she thought I would, but I deserved it.

"It's whatever," she said, finally. Without another word, she slammed the car door behind her.

"'It's whatever'," I mocked under my breath.

"Oh my god, fuck you!" Zoe said, a hint of a smile in her voice. Keys whizzed past my face.

"Hey!" I yelped, and tossed them back at her as she laughed. I stalked towards the school doors, pretending to be mad. But in actuality, I had walked away so she wouldn't see the smile I was suppressing. It was nice to be on speaking terms with her again.

I pushed through the doors, and remembered the day we 'came-out' to the school. Evan let me hold his hand. That had been nice. I still felt bad for putting him into a situation like that.

Someone darted past me, brushed up against my shoulder and muttering apologies. I turned to curse them out, only to see Evan quickly retreating. I watched him rush away, frowning.

"What happened between you two?" asked Zoe, suddenly appeared on the other side of me. I jumped.

"Butt out, Zo. It's none of your business," I said, slightly less happy that we were on speaking terms.

"Uh, let me think. No. What happened?" She pressed. Well, if she thought I was telling her anything that happened, she was wrong.

"Nothing. I'm just giving him space for now."

"Did he finally tell you?"

This caught my attention. "Tell me what?" I asked suspiciously. Her face paled.

"Nothing," Zoe replied quickly, before slowly backing away, shoulders tense.

"Wh- Zoe! You can't just fucking say that then run off," I complained, rounding on her. I was so close to getting information on whatever it was that happened that had upset her and Evan so much.

"I have class. I know you don't go to yours, but I actually expect to graduate. You've already made me late enough this morning," she retorted.

"Fuck you!" I called after her, loud but not angry. A few students looked my way, and I wordlessly flipped them off.

"Fuck you," Zoe responded, voice equally placid.

I sighed. She was my only lead so far, seeing as the only other person involved didn't want to talk to me.

I caught sight of another face in the hallway. Maybe there was someone else who could help me. Someone who I would rather swallow a knife than talk to.

Jared Kleinman.

Mentally preparing myself, I marched up to him. "What the fuck did you do to him?" I growled, and he spun around. Fear flashed across his face for a moment, before he adjusted his glasses and that smug smirk reappeared.

"Depends. Who are you talking about?" Jared asked, playing dumb. I wasn't playing games, however.

"Oh, shove it up your ass, Kleinman! You know exactly who the fuck I'm talking about! Now tell me before I curb-stomp you so fucking hard that you'll be shitting your own teeth for weeks. What the fuck did you do to Evan?" I repeated, raising my voice slightly.

"Someone's unhappy," He chuckled, seeming to not notice how unamused I was. When he caught my glare, he faltered. "Jeez, tough crowd. Well, I guess it depends. What has he told you?"

"You called him an asshole because he had the audacity to not come to you the minute something new happened in his life."

Jared rolled his eyes. "There's more to it than that- "

"It's actually almost hilarious how much I don't care. I don't care, I don't care, I. Do. Not. Care. He could have shot your dog in front of you and I still wouldn't care. But he hasn't spoken to me since Thursday. And, don't get me wrong, I still want to rip you limb from limb, but you're the only person who can help me."

Jared finally appeared to realize that I wasn't kidding around in the slightest. He glanced around at the emptying hallways, and clutched his backpacks straps tighter.

"He hasn't spoken to me in a week, so get in line. He blocked my number on Thursday. Well, he said he did. I know he didn't, he'd probably be worried that some highly improbable thing would happen. Also, I'm not sure he even knows how to block me."

Thursday. That was the last time we talked. That was when he kissed me. There's no way that's a coincidence.

"Wait. Thursday. He blocked you Thursday?" I asked, incredulous.

"Dude, I just told you, I don't even think he blocked m-

"Holy shit, it's kind of impressive how much self control it's taking not to murder you. You know what I mean," I said sharply. There was a reason I didn't usually like talking to Jared, and talking to him after seeing what he did to Evan? I was practically seeing red.

"Yeah, he blocked me on Thursday. It was pretty late at night too, which I thought was kind of odd."

Was Evan texting Jared about what happened? Does Jared know about the kiss?

"Read to me what happened," I demanded.

Sighing, Jared took out his phone. In a bored monotone voice, he read a few messages out loud. Then stopped and looked at me, slightly ashamed.

"That's it?" I asked. Somehow, I'd been expecting more. That was just a few one sentence messages.

"I told you, he's not talking to me."

No offense to Evan, he has the right to be angry. Especially at someone who's treated him like shit forever. But this whole thing seemed a little blown out of proportion. All Jared did was insult him, and Evan is ignoring him, as he should. So why is Jared groveling at his feet?

"Why don't you just apologize?" I questioned, and he sighed in annoyance. I flexed my hand to keep myself from breaking his nose.

"You literally just read the conversation, where I very clearly did apologize. Did he tell you about what happened?" Jared asked.

"Yeah, you called him an asshole."

"No, not Saturday. Do you know what happened after that?" He pressed. I blinked, pausing to think.

"No? Is this the same thing Zoe was asking about?" I asked. And, much like Zoe did, Jared's eyes widened and he nervously glanced to the side.

"Oh shit," he whispered.

"It is isn't it?" I asked, stepping forward, almost excitedly. Jared, in turn, took a step back, fiddling with his backpack straps.

"Listen man, I have class-" He said, dodging me and rushing off.

"Fuck you!" I shouted after him. Except, unlike with Zoe, I meant it.

——————————

Students jostled and pushed past me as everyone flooded out of the courtyard. I should be walking with Evan. Instead, I was walking by myself and getting shoved around by oblivious teenagers.

I saw him in History earlier. He refused to make eye contact with me, but I did see him watching me. I didn't want to embarrass him, so I just kept looking ahead.

I genuinely didn't know why he was avoiding me. I'd given him his space, and he didn't seem like he was gonna be even looking me in the eye any time soon.

Without noticing, Evan walked right past me again. I watched him retreat, head tucked down. Suddenly, he stopped and glanced back. We made eye contact for the first time in half a week.

I smiled as warmly as I could, but he had already turned around. That was when I decided. Tomorrow I would try to talk to him. I tried to give him space, but I'm impatient.

Not to mention the knowledge that the feelings I'd assumed were unrequited for the longest might be mutual was too tempting.

Movement caught my eye. I turned to see Zoe beckoning me from across the parking lot. I darted over, dodging cars, to where my sister was standing impatiently.

"I thought you had jazz band today? Isn't it every Tuesday and Thursday?" I asked, almost tripping over a crack.

She watched me for a second, her confused eyes roving mine for... something.

"I- yeah... it got... cancelled," Zoe said, dazed.

"You sound so sure about that."

"No it's just... never mind. Get in before I make you walk." She ducked into the car, and I followed, annoyed. No one was telling me anything.

We were barely out of the parking lot when I decided to ask.

"About that thing-"

"I'm not telling you," she said clearly. Her eyes didn't leave the road, but her tone warned me to shut up.

I decided not to push further. For now. Neither of us said anything, until her hand was on the doorknob, ready to walk inside the house.

"Wait. I... I have a favor," I asked, all previous signs of aggression gone.

"What do you want?"

"I, I'm sorry. It's nothing too big, I think. I just. Mom's gonna ask me about Evan. She did yesterday. And she did Friday. And I just, I can't handle that right now. I was just wondering if you could, I dunno, distract her? Or just, talk. I don't know, it's stupid."

Once again, she didn't say anything. Just watched me. Finally, she wordlessly turned around and opened the door. I deflated. I should have known better than to ask her for something when I've given her no reason to trust me.

I braced myself for the onslaught of questions from my mom, when Zoe's voice rang out from the kitchen. "Mom! Remember that teacher I told you about that hates me, Coach White?"

"I- well, hello. Yes, I remember him, why?" I heard my moms voice reply.

"He moved the seating arrangement today, I don't know why. And he put me next to Calvin, who he knows annoys me."

The conversation continued, but, let's be honest, it was so insanely disinteresting that I beelined for the stairs.

I paused, and looked over at Zoe, who was vehemently telling Mom about some student she hated. We made eye contact for a brief second, and I nodded my thanks before heading into my room. I pushed the door closed with a note of finality.

This day had been exhausting. I had homework and didn't care. Instead, I picked up my battered and dog-eared (I'm not sorry, it's my own book) copy of Pride and Prejudice. Pretentious, I know.

It's not my favorite, but I like it. My favorite types of books are sad books. Which is odd, but it's always nice to have a good cry over a book. This sadness can be controlled. It's easier to read stories about grief then deal with my own. It's nice to feel something, knowing that I'm controlling when and what I'm feeling. It's nice to cry over grief that isn't mine. At least this artificial sadness ends when I close the book.

I wasn't paying attention though. My eyes were just glossing over the words, not comprehending them. Instead of thinking about the rivalry between Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth, I was thinking about the petrified look on Evan's face as he scrambled away from me.

A half hour had passed, when my patience finally wore too thin. I snapped the book closed, having progressed a single page. The house was quiet as I anxiously strode to Zoe's room, and knocked on her door.

"What?"

"Hey, it's Connor." It was quiet for a moment, so I just opened the door. She was surrounded by papers on her desk, looking at me, annoyed.

"What do you want?" She asked, looking ready to throw something else at me.

"What is the thing that you and Jared won't tell me about?" I asked, and Zoe looked to the ceiling for patience, before pausing.

"Jared told you?" She asked, a calculating tone to her voice.

"No, he didn't. That's the problem," I groaned, and she rolled her eyes, looking unsure.

"I don't know. I don't think you want to hear it."

"I do, because everyone seems to know but me. What did Evan do to make you hate him? Why is Jared involved? Why does Evan hate Jared because of it? This is like a fucking Grey's Anatomy plot line and I just..." I trailed off, sighing. "I just wanna know why he's upset."

Zoe paused for a moment. "You watch Grey's Anatomy?"

"No! I just hear you talk about it all the time. But that's besides the point. What happened?" I continued, annoyed. It's not my fault she never shuts up about her shows as I'm forced to listen.

"You're gonna get mad at me," she said softly, shaking her head. She sounded almost sad.

"What did you do?" I asked, anger creeping into my voice.

"Nothing! I didn't do anything, but because I'm the one who told you, you're gonna throw shit and yell at me," Zoe said, kind of panicked. The hint of terror in her voice chased away my anger.

"Okay, I don't ever throw shit," I said, rolling my eyes. I wanted to point out that she had thrown a pencil and her keys at me this morning, and The Shoe Incident that occurred last week, so if anyone should be worried about being the victim of a projectile attack, it should be me. But the slight tremor in her voice stopped me.

"Yeah, but you do yell," she accused. And she was right.

"I... I know. I'm sorry. I won't get mad at you, I swear," I promised, ashamed. She stared down at her desk for a moment. After letting out a long breath, she started talking.

"So, I was talking to Evan. And then Jared appears and starts apologizing. And they're talking and I wanted to leave because I felt awkward. And then Jared starts explaining to me why he's apologizing to Evan, which first of all is kind of rude because Evan clearly didn't want him to be talking about it in front of m-"

"Get to the point."

"You guys aren't actually dating," she stated flatly, looking me dead in the eye. And, once again, she was right. Her knowing wasn't the worst thing, considering that we probably weren't even fake dating anymore after what happened on Thursday.

"That's the only thing he told you?" I asked. Had I just done all this detective work to find out that I already knew what happened?

"No. That's the part you know about. The part you don't know about is that Evan and Jared were dating until Saturday."

"What the fuck? Are you kidding?" I exploded, taking an angry step towards her. Zoe flinched back.

"No!" she said, leaning away from me, looking terrified. "Jared started apologizing and saying he hoped they could still be friends."

"When did this happen?" I asked, taking a deep breath. Being angry at Zoe didn't help anything. Don't attack the messenger and all that.

"Just last week."

"And what did Evan say?"

"He said yeah. Or nodded. I can't remember, I just know that he agreed to still be friends," she softly said, looking apologetic.

I absentmindedly shook my head. No way my Evan would date Kleinman, someone who's borderline bullied him for almost his entire life, without telling me. Maybe I didn't know him like I thought I did. Maybe he was lying to me this entire time.

Maybe all of our laughter and smiles and tears have been fake. Maybe none of it was real. Our friendship wasn't real.

"Thank you. For telling me. I'm gonna go now. And. Well. Bye," I said breathlessly, my vision turning spotty.

"Hey, wai-" Zoe tried to stop me, but I looked up at her with wild eyes and she paused, alarmed.

"I'm trying not to yell. Because you didn't. You didn't do anything. Please. I'm going now." I staggered into the hallway, desperate to reach my bedroom so I could sort this out in peace.

"I'm sorry about what happened," She called out.

"Me too."

I didn't know what was going on anymore. I didn't know if it was true. All I knew was that I was definitely going to be talking to Evan tomorrow. No matter what happened, we were most certainly no longer fake-dating.

Apparently it wasn't gonna be his first breakup this month, either.


	16. Chapter 16: "New Kind of Tension"

I used to hate lunch time. I'd either sit with Jared, and have to endure him for half an hour, or I'd sit by myself while everyone else laughed with their friends.

Then I became friends with Connor. I could finally talk to someone at lunch, someone who treated me like an equal. Jared became more tolerable with someone by my side, and I started looking forward to lunch.

But now I was back to sophomore year. Except I didn't have Jared this time. So instead of chatting with Connor and laughing as they bantered, I sat at the dusty tables by the stairs, watching the clock.

Maybe Connor didn't hate me. Maybe he did. But yesterday, when I looked at him and he looked back... I felt happy. Hopeful. He had smiled. There might be a chance that I hadn't monumentally fucked everything up beyond repair.

I heard footsteps tapping over, and I looked up, wondering who was coming to kick me out of their spot. Instead, I found Alana Beck standing there, smiling as always.

"Hello, Evan!" She said cheerily, waving at me even though we were only a few feet away. I paused for a moment, confused.

"Alana. Hey, hi. What, uh, what are you doing? Here? With me?" I questioned. She laughed.

"Well, I'm saying hello. How have you been?"

It was almost frustrating how she said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Of course you said hello.

"Uh, I've been better, I suppose. No offense, but why are you talking to me?" I asked, still confused.

"Why wouldn't I be talking to you?" She asked back, without a hint of malice in her voice.

"Oh. I dunno. Jared stopped talking to me and I guess I just assumed you would too because you're friends with him."

"I'm friends with you too," Alana said easily, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, before sitting down next to me, smoothing out her skirt on the seat.

I paused for a moment in confusion. When did this happen? The last time I checked, I had no friends. I chased them both away.

"You are?" I asked, and she tilted her head slightly, and smiled.

"Of course! Unless you don't want to be friends, in which case-"

"No! I'd, I'd like to be friends with you. You're nice, and I could use a friend right now. I don't think I have any. Connor isn't talking to me, and neither is Jared. I thought you weren't going to either because he wasn't," I admitted, sinking into my seat. And now she knew how pathetic I was.

"I'm my own person with my own opinions," Alana said simply, miffed.

"O-oh, of course, I know, I'm so sorry, I just. I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by it. Honest," I said frantically, shaking my head slightly. Great. I had a friend. And then I insulted her. And now I am right back to where I started. With no friends. Nobody. Nothing. Alone.

"That's okay. Anyways, I wanted your side of the story before I decided what to think. What exactly happened?" She asked, steamrolling past my misstep.

I shook myself from my almost spiral. Alana probably wanted a friend, much like me. I'd never really seen her hang out with anyone regularly, and even her friendship with Jared seemed tentative.

"I guess I should start at the beginning, huh?" I was getting sick of catching everyone up on everything that had happened. Secrets are exhausting.

"Yes, that would be helpful. It's where most stories usually start," Alana supplied. For a second, I was annoyed. But she hadn't sounded sarcastic.

"Something bad happened with my dad. And I told Connor before I told Jared."

"Why? I don't mean to be accusatory, I'm just curious." I was at a loss. It seemed so obvious to me why I would that I couldn't put it into words. It's just what I do. If something happens, then I tell Connor. He's the person I immediately turn to for everything.

"It was an instinct. I'm closer to Connor, and Jared hasn't always been the nicest to me," I said after pausing for a second.

"I don't think he's nice to anyone," she commiserated. I nodded.

"Yeah, he has his moments. Anyway, on Tuesday-"

"Yesterday?" She asked. I shook my head. It was honestly a little crazy how much things had changed in just a month.

"No, last week. The thing with my dad happened the Saturday before that. And I was talking to Zoe and Jared came up and told this huge lie about how me and him were dating but we broke up on Saturday. Then he said he'd tell Connor. I don't know why, I guess to get back at me. His plan wasn't really thought out well."

It was silent for a moment, and I could see the gears turning in Alana's head. I gave her time, and just stared at the table.

"Did he tell him?" She eventually asked.

"No."

"Well, then what's the problem?"

"It all happened in front of Zoe, and for some stupid stupid reason I didn't deny it. I was in shock and just nodded," I said, defensively. I didn't do anything wrong.

"So are you going to tell Connor?" She pressed, and I frantically shook my head. Was Alana insane, or did she just not hear what I said? No way anyone could hear that and think it was a good idea to tell him.

"No! Then he'd get mad at me, and Jared would win, and everyone would hate me," I groaned, dropping my head into my hands.

"Just tell him. He should know you're telling the truth, especially if he finds out about this from you and not Jared," Alana said, far too logical for my liking. On paper, her plan sounded great. To anyone who didn't know Connor that is. Or knew me.

"I can't risk him hating me," I said, voice cracking on the last syllable. No one said anything for a moment, and I could tell she was thinking again. Turning over my words in her head, and coming up with a conclusion. Unfortunately, I didn't think logic was the best solution to this problem.

"I don't think either of you are right," Alana said at last. I blinked for a moment, before looking to see if she was joking. She wasn't. She was staring at me, earnest.

"What? That's, that's insane, what did I do?"

"The key to a healthy relationship is honesty and communication." Alana was starting to sound like my mom. "If something happens that could potentially break up your relationship, he needs to know about it. Especially since him knowing about it could diffuse the problem. He'll understand."

"But if he doesn't, then everything is over," I protested. Alana looked at me, thoughtful.

"Would you rather have a relationship based on deception, or lose a relationship that was based on honesty?"

I let the silence speak for me. I knew she was right. I should tell him. It wasn't my fault, so he shouldn't be mad at me, and I was underestimating Connor. I was treating him like a ticking bomb, just like everyone else. And that wasn't fair to him.

The bell rang, and I jumped. The clatter of the cafeteria picked up, and everyone started moving. 

"That's the bell! I have a quiz in Latin, so I need to be going now," Alana said, standing up and grabbing her bag.

"Okay. Thank you for... well, talking to me."

"Sure! I may be impartial and think both parties are acting irrationally, but if you ever need someone to listen then I am more than happy to lend an ear!" She said, smiling brightly and walking away.

"Thank you," I said softly, mostly to myself as she was already gone, leaving me to figure out how to save the most important friendship I'd ever had.

——————————

If today was a normal day, I would either ride the bus home or I would walk with Connor to his house, and we would do homework and hang out. But today wasn't a normal day. This whole month wasn't normal.

I had found a new normal inside of it though, and then when I stopped having friends, I found a new normal inside of that. Sit alone all day, speak maybe 10 words in total, then ride the bus home by myself.

However, I was going to put an end to this new normal, hopefully all of it. The courtyard swarmed with students as everyone left for the day. I knew I could find Connor in the student parking lot with Zoe, so that was where I was headed.

I was going to repair this. He might hate me, he might not. But I was going to swallow my fear and find out.

A tall figure blocked my path, and I moved to dart around, figuring it was someone looking for their friend. Instead, a warm hand clasped around the wrist that wasn't trapped in a cast and pulled me back.

"Evan."

I froze. I looked down at my arm and the hand locked around it. Chipped black nail polish. Connor. He was looking for me. He found me.

He didn't sound happy.

Cautiously, I met his eyes. He looked carefully concealed. There was something there, something beneath the blank and watchful stare. I just couldn't figure out what it was.

Instantly, I started stuttering out half-formed denials. "Con, please. I didn't. It was. It."

Instead of responding, Connor dragged me towards the back of the courtyard, away from the masses. My first thought was that he was going to kill me. Then I realized that was stupid. He wasn't that dumb to kill me in broad daylight. He was just going to beat the life out of me.

"Where- where are you-" I asked, and he abruptly stopped. I had to dig my heels into the concrete to stop myself from slamming into his back.

"You need to explain," Connor said, voice just a degree below harsh.

"Listen, about the kiss-" I went to explain, when he put a hand out to stop me.

"Just. I don't give a fuck about the kiss, okay? I don't care. What the fuck happened between you and Jared?"

He knows.

"Oh. Oh shit, oh my god, listen-" I said hastily, and he huffed a disbelieving breath.

"It's true then?!" Connor asked, louder. I shook my head, and started wringing my hands nervously.

"No, it's n-"

"How would you know what I was talking about unless you already knew what I meant?! You went out with Jared, didn't tell me, agreed to be in a fake relationship with me while you were dating someone, and still did not tell me," he growled.

I was back in his bedroom, on the ground, Connor towering above me, eyes flashing. Heavy breathing and venom drenching every word. The terror flooded me again, gripping my heart and squeezing.

"Con, look, I-" I gasped, my head spinning. Numbly, I felt myself take a wobbly step back.

"Oh, but you did tell someone! You told my fucking sister. My sister and not me. Now I understand why Jared was upset that you didn't tell him about your dad, because it sure fucking hurts when the person you trusted most doesn't trust you back," he spat. I shook my head. He was wrong.

"Connor, s-stop," I wheezed, trying desperately to catch my breath. I was in Connor's bedroom, and he was yelling, and shoving, and reminding. Reminding me of the tree. The fall. The landing. 

"No! I'm not gonna stop, because why-"

"WE WERE NEVER DATING!" I finally choked out, squeezing my eyes shut in an attempt to block everything out, but it was silent. I was back in the courtyard, and I faintly heard the buses give a final warning honk, signaling that they were about to leave.

"What?" Connor questioned. The anger in his voice hadn't gone away or lessened, but it stopped mounting.

"It, it. He lied. And Zoe was there. I promise. I, I never dated Jared. Ever. I'm not even sure he's gay. He's, he's rude. And, and makes me feel like shit sometimes. I would never date him," I murmured, my voice growing steadier.

"Then why the fuck did you agree?" He asked, the bite in his voice making me shrink back.

"I don't know! Ok, I just. I was just surprised. And didn't, I didn't know what he was doing. And I just. Nodded. Okay, I didn't do anything so I don't know why you're mad at me," I said, gaining traction. The worst was over, now I just had to explain.

"Really? You're gonna play the fucking victim? You're not even gonna apologize, you're just gonna fucking deflect?" Connor asked, a lilt to his voice suggesting that I wasn't supposed to answer.

"I'm not playing the victim! Ok, I don't, I didn't do anything, so why should I apologize?" I demanded in disbelief.

Connor laughed, a halting bewildered sound. His eyes looked almost manic, and he shakily carded a hand through his hair.

"You apologize for fucking kissing me but not for keeping a fake relationship secret from the person you were already in a fake relationship with?"

"It was fake! It was a lie, so why does it matter?" I pressed, not daring to look in his eyes.

It was quiet for a moment, our heavy breathing echoed into the abandoned courtyard

"Why didn't you tell me?" Connor finally asked. I cracked at the sound of his voice, the cloudy rage not concealing the deep hurt.

"I- I was going to-" I spluttered, my resolve weakening and crashing down on me, crushing my lungs and leaving me gasping for air.

"It happened over a week ago! What happened to all the times I asked what was wrong and you said nothing? What happened to me asking you why Zoe was angry and you said 'doesn't matter'? What happened to me asking why you were mad at Jared and you didn't tell me the whole truth? Fuck, is that even the reason you were mad at him? How much is a lie?"

"It's, listen. No, it's just that. I was mad at him because of what he said on Saturday, but there was just more to it. Ok, I don't understand why you're angry at me! I didn't say anything-"

Connor cut me off. "Yeah. That's the fucking point. You didn't say anything," he whispered the last sentence, voice almost cracking.

I was a coward. An absolute coward. I'd hurt Connor, hurt the one person I loved most. And I couldn't even look him in the eye. Or apologize.

I couldn't believe that I had been hopeful. Just an hour ago I had been hopeful that I could have my best friend back. And now, like everything in my life, I'd damaged it beyond repair.

"I'm going," Connor muttered, turning away from me, seething anger still dripping from each word.

"Connor-" I tried, but he glared at me, stopping me in my tracks.

"No. I'm going. Unless you have something else to lie about. Don't talk to me again," he said, before marching away.

I watched him walk towards the student parking lot, defeat sinking my heart. I had just lost the one person I could count on. And I didn't even have a ride home.

I pulled out my phone to text my mom and ask if she was off work, when I saw Jared's name in my recents.

It was his fault.

Me: Fuck you. Fuck you so much, you ruined everything

If he hadn't gotten jealous over something so minuscule, I'd still have my best friend.

Sighing, I walked towards the front of the school, waiting for the hopelessness to crash down on me like a wave, washing away any clinging hope that I could fix this. The reality hadn't hit me yet and I was relishing the last bits of numbness.

The typing bubbles appeared for a moment, before disappearing and reappearing again.

J: what?

Me: What was the goal? To get him to hate me? You've succeeded, you can go home now. You got what you wanted.

J: what are you talking about?

Me: You told Connor about your stupid lie and he told me to never talk to him again.

J: I'm so sorry about that please just let me explain

Me: No. I don't care.

J: wait, I didn't tell him

Me: What?

J: I never told him. I was just going to hang it over your head.

Me: Why should I believe you?

J: because he asked me about it yesterday and I quite literally ran away instead of answering

J: just ask him

I couldn't ask him. I couldn't talk to him ever again, because he'd asked me not to and if that was the only wish I could grant him after I'd damaged him so, then that's what I'd do.

Me: Can you pick me up? I'm still at school.

J: omw

At the very least I'd figured out how I was going to get home.

I wasn't ready to forgive him. What he did was selfish and narcissistic and manipulative. It didn't matter that he didn't tell Connor what had happened, he was still the reason there was a 'happened'.

Eventually, I heard Jared's old sedan passing through the gates. I refused to make eye contact, even when I got in the passengers seat and he started apologizing.

"I'm really sor-"

"Just. Stop. I-" I said sharply, before cutting myself off. Berating him wouldn't do any good. At least not yet. "Explain."

"Myself or what happened?" Jared asked, checking the rear view before backing out of the parking lot.

"Both."

"I'm so sorry. I was angry at you and Connor and I just starting fucking talking and I'm sorry. I don't have an excuse, I'm just sorry," he said.

For a moment, the hum of the engine was the only thing that could be heard. I didn't know what to say, and to be honest, I didn't want to say anything.

"Okay," I whispered after a few minutes had gone by.

"Okay? That's all you have to-"

"Do you want me to tell you that it's fine? Because it isn't. Just tell me what happened," I demanded. Jared had some nerve expecting expecting me to console him after that stunt he pulled. Connor was right. He was an asshole. But he did seem sorry.

"I didn't tell him. I regretted what I said and I tried to tell you that I was sorry but you blocked me," he said, looking pointedly at me. I glared straight ahead.

No way was I gonna apologize for being mad at someone who upended my life, even if we used to be friends. Or still were. I wasn't sure.

"So who told him?" I asked, making sure he knew I wasn't going to address it.

"I don't know- oh shit." The car swerved a bit, before Jared managed to right it. I grabbed the frame to steady myself.

"What?" I asked, looking at him finally. But he wasn't looking at me. His eyes were on the road, but they flickered back to me.

"Who was the only other person there?" He asked, his tone sounding like he was talking to a toddler. I smacked his arm, and he chuckled. For a moment, it almost felt like everything was normal

"Zoe."

"Yep," he responded, popping the 'p'.

I thought back to what Connor had said. It was mostly blurry, like I hadn't been focusing when he said it. Which I guess was true. I was pretty focused on not passing out.

"'You told my sister and not me'."

"What?" Jared scoffed, looking back at me as if I was insane. He did that a lot.

"Thats what Connor said, he said 'You told my fucking sister and not me'. Oh my god. Why would she do that? What did I do to her? I thought we were almost friends," I panicked, hand immediately flying to my cast, rubbing the plaster just to give my hands something to do.

"Now, I'm not an expert on the Murphy siblings relationship, but I don't think it had anything to do with you."

"What?" I asked, and Jared rolled his eyes, before stopping the car in front of my house. He turned to look at me, and we made eye contact for the first time in what felt like eons.

"Contrary to what you might believe, not everything's about you," he said dryly. My panic melted into annoyance, and he huffed self-consciously.

"Too soon to joke, alright I get it. But I don't think she told him so she could get back at you."

"Why else would she tell him?" I asked stepping out of the car. I glanced around, and saw my moms car wasn't there. Which meant that she probably wouldn't have been able to pick me up anyways.

Thank God for Jared.

"Well, she didn't think it was a lie. She probably thought we were actually dating. Zoe didn't tell him so she could hurt you. She told Connor so you wouldn't hurt him," he said simply, slamming the door shut.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

We stood in silence for a moment. Jared shifted awkwardly, but I was debating on whether or not I should tell him. Finally, it burst out of me.

"I kissed him," I blurted out.

"What?" he asked.

"Thursday night. I was at Connor's house, and Mom found out about our 'relationship'. She yelled at me and then me and Connor talked and then I kissed him and ran and then I made up with Mom."

Jared blinked at me, processing. A slow, oily smile spread across his face, and he punched my shoulder.

"Wow. You sly fucker you, I knew you'd get the balls to do it someday!" he boasted, looking way too excited.

"Yeah, well that was the last time we talked before he found out about what happened," I said, and the smile dropped from his face.

"So when you guys make up are you finally gonna fuck?" he asked after a moment.

"Jared! First of all, no. Second of all, if we ever make up. Third of all, he doesn't even like me the way I like him."

"He ogles you whenever you're in a room together which is literally all the time. It's sickening how in love with you he is," Jared complained.

I sighed. This wasn't getting anywhere, and I had better things to do. Like cry. And contemplate. And then probably cry some more. And then resign myself to dying a lonely virgin.

"I don't know. No offense, but can you, like, leave? I have a lot to think about, and I still haven't forgiven you."

"Sure thing, bud," Jared said, before mock-saluting me and driving away. I couldn't tell if he was overcompensating for being an asshole, or aggressively trying to act like everything was fine so it would feel normal.

I dragged myself inside, heading for the kitchen to see if Mom had left a Post-It note that would tell me how she was sorry that she couldn't be home. A shock of bright blue greeted me when I walked in.

Just as I had assumed. The note said she wouldn't be home until 5 am.

Truly, thank God for Jared.


	17. Chapter 17: "Every Pothole's Getting Hit"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of suicide, also this chapter takes place 2 weeks after the last one

I flinched back as my forehead smacked against the unforgiving window of my moms car. Instead of returning to the glass, I resigned to lean against the old seat, not wanting to get a concussion because of the jostling of the car.

Dread had pooled in my stomach, writhing like a nest of snakes and winding its way through my intestines. The snake had taken permanent residence in me lately, or at least whenever I was at school.

I tried to calm my nerves by running my hand up and down my now naked arm, like how you would rub a genie-lamp, or an especially smooth rock. My arm felt all wrong, like it wasn't mine.

For a moment, I panicked and wondered if I had that disorder where you think your limb isn't your own. I read the Wikipedia page for it one night, when I fell down an internet rabbit hole. I was regretting that.

But I couldn't have that disorder, because I knew my arm was my own. It was moving when I told it to and it looked like my arm, if not slightly paler. But it still felt odd. And the more I thought about it, the more it felt wrong.

"How's it feel?" Mom asked, glancing over at me before looking back at the road, where we were driving to school, returning from the doctors office where I got my cast removed.

I'd almost wanted to ask if I could keep the shell of plaster and memories, seeing as it was the only physical reminder I had of my friendship with Connor, besides photos and the tree-covered notebook he got me for my birthday last year.

But I didn't keep it, because that would be weird and obsessive. We weren't friends, and we wouldn't ever be anything more, no matter how much I wanted to be.

"Stiff. And weirdly tight," I responded, my gaze focused on the trees outside, seeking out something familiar and welcome to keep away the dread.

"Yeah, that's usually how it feels to get a cast off. I fractured my wrist when I was a little younger then you. Lacrosse practice." Typical Mom. Trying desperately to connect with me to make up for her lack of presence. I felt bad that I always shied away from her attempts.

"Will it ever start feeling normal?" I asked, instead of indulging in her reminiscing. She didn't seem fazed though, giving me a reassuring smile.

"Give it a week," Mom said, and I absently nodded my head. She was thinking about That Night. I knew it. I knew it in the way she talked as if I were a caged animal, ready to run if she made one wrong move. I knew it in the way she was looking at me with pity in his eyes.

We had one moment half a month ago, one singular moment where I was vulnerable. I needed a shoulder to cry on, and I chose quite literally the only person I had left; my mom.

That didn't mean I was ready to bear my soul to her. No matter how much she wanted it to.

Fixing the damage done to me will take a lot of time that she's made quite clear she doesn't have for me.

"This is your stop," Mom finally said, breaking the silence, the engine purring as she stopped in front of the school. I curled into myself, tapping at my palm.

"I know it's scary," she consoled. A storm of irritation surged through me.

"I'm not 7, Mom," I huffed, clutching at my arm again.

"I know, but I also know you've been having a hard time lately," she said, that 'Mom' tone in her voice. I looked at her, as was met with a cocktail of pity, desperation, and concern.

I scoffed, and leaned back against the window. I almost wished my mom was harder to read. Inscrutable was the word. I learned that word in one of the books Connor had given me.

It felt personal when he told me to read it. Like he thought of me when he read it. I knew that I was reaching and clawing desperately for something to make him feel closer than he was, but I did really like the book. I could see why Connor liked it.

"Can we just wait a few minutes? Please? I don't want to walk in during the middle of class because then everyone's gonna look at me. I'd rather just slip in while classes are changing," I pleaded. I felt bad for even asking. I knew she had to get back to work.

"How soon is that?" Mom asked, glancing at the clock. She was thinking along the same lines that I was. Luckily, it wasn't too long.

"4th block starts in 7 minutes."

"As long as you aren't missing anything important," she said, smiling at me. She always did that. Smiling. Whether she was saying something that deserved a smile or not. Maybe she thought if she said something with a smile, then it would hurt less.

It didn't. It never hurt less. Smiling while you told someone that you had to cancel plans yet again was just condescending. But I couldn't exactly tell her that. I knew she grasped onto any hope she could that I was alright.

The engine was the only thing making a sound, unless my heartbeat was as loud as it was in my head. She had avoided bringing up That Night for weeks now, and I knew she wouldn't lay it to rest any longer.

That was usually Mom's rule with things. If it isn't broken, don't fix it. But I could tell it was becoming more and more clear to her that something was broken. Me. I was broken. And I needed fixing.

I only had to wait a few more minutes. Even if she did try to talk to me, we wouldn't have enough time to say anything, I knew she would anyway. Because there was never enough time. Not for me at least.

To her, I wasn't worth the time.

"Class just ended. I gotta go. Bye Mom," I said all in one breath, leaving the car like it was on fire.

"Bye, I love you!" Mom called, and I froze.

"Love you too," I replied, significantly quieter than her, after looking around to make sure Jared hadn't somehow appeared to taunt me.

All clear.

I wasn't so fortunate when I got inside the school however. My attempt to slide in unnoticed failed as Jared sidled up beside me.

"So, I see your cast is finally off. Finally got another hand to jack off with?" He asked, words caked in smugness.

"You aren't funny," I said, an edge to my voice. A few years ago I would have awkwardly chuckled, or glared at him at best. But after that stunt he pulled, Jared needed to be humbled and I was ready for the job.

"I'm hilarious," he deadpanned. I simply shook my head. Craning my neck, I searched the crowded hallway.

"Is he here yet?" I asked, voice quiet as if Connor were nearby to somehow hear me. As if he wanted to be within 20 feet of me.

"Murphy?" Jared asked, looking at me liked he wanted to crack a gay joke. I knew he did.

"He has a name. But yes," I sighed. He laughed, patronizing. As much as I would love to say that it didn't hurt me, that I'd grown thicker skin and learned to ignore Jared's barbed jibes, it still hurt.

"Still lusting over him?" He teased, driving an elbow into my side.

"Shut up!" I yelped, flinching. A few students looked at me. I turned red, and glared at Jared.

"That's a yes then?"

"It doesn't matter," I huffed.

"Shoot your shot, Hansen! Get that dick!" He cat-called, once again drawing the attention of passing students.

"Would you quiet down? Besides, he made it abundantly clear that he doesn't like me. Romantically or otherwise."

"Suuree," Jared said, drawing it out and giving me a side-eye.

"Jared, no one says 'Never talk to me again' because they like you. They say it because they hate your guts. And, again, who's fault is it that he hates me?" I asked, knowing that Jared has just enough tact to back off. And he did, looking away shamefully.

"Whatever. Ignore my sound advice I suppose," He said, avoiding eye contact. I wasn't ready to forgive him and he knew it. It might make me an asshole, but it was nice to have an off-button for him.

Finally having silenced Jared, I turned my attention back to hunting for Connor. I wasn't going to try to talk to him anymore. Or even make eye contact. I just desperately wanted to know that he was here, and okay. Watching the life slowly drain out of him little by little, every day, was the most heartbreaking thing I'd ever seen.

Instead, another familiar face caught my eye. Alana, dodging the crowd, holding a pile of books to her chest. Her eyes darted around, frantic.

"Hey Alana," I called, and she whirled around, visibly relaxing when she saw me.

"Evan Hansen! Hello! How are you?" She asked, smiling and pushing her glasses up her nose.

"I'm, I'm good. And, uh, you? How are you?" I replied, and her smile brightened.

"I'm doing okay! I'm pleasantly surprised that you're talking to me."

"Why?" I asked. Talking to me isn't exactly something I would call 'pleasant'. Surprising, sure, but certainly not pleasant.

"You've never talked to me that much before, and I assumed that you would continue that pattern," Alana stated simply.

"I didn't think we were friends before."

"Anyhow, I am very happy that you stopped to talk to me. My day has been very hectic and I'm glad to have a friend," she admitted, hiking up her pile of books.

"Oh, well of course. That's what friends are for, right?" I asked. A small part of me was scared Alana was going to revoke her statement, claim that we were no longer friends. But instead she just smiled with the power of the sun.

"Right!"

"Me, the chopped liver," Jared piped up. I'd almost forgotten he was here. I think this was the longest amount of time he'd ever gone without spewing stupid bullshit.

"Sorry Jared! But hello, how are you?" Alana asked, unperturbed by the interruption.

"I'm having a wonderful day being ignored by my friends," he blankly said, causing Alana to awkwardly scratch the back of her neck, shifting her weight.

"I'm sorry, I got distracted and just kind of zeroed in on my current conversation, I'm really very sorry," she said, quickly.

Jared's eyes widened in alarm, and he started shaking his head so fast I thought his brain was going to fly out.

"No! No, no really it's okay. Don't be sorry, I totally get it. I was just joking around, I'm not mad," he reassured, and a glowing smile reappeared on Alana's face.

"Well that's good. So how are you?" She asked, shuffling her feet.

"I'm- I'm great. I'd ask you how you are but, ya know, Evan already asked so. Yeah," Jared said, flustered. I looked back and forth between them.

I was third wheeling. Not in a literal sense, but I knew enough about social interaction to realize when I wasn't wanted. They probably wouldn't even notice if I left, so I slipped into the dispersing crowds to find my next class.

The bell rang just seconds after I sat down. I hadn't found what I was looking for, and I couldn't until dismissal. For all I knew, he was skipping. Or dead.

I shook my head, trying to focus on the brighter side. I probably just missed him, and he was in class.

Zoning in, I heard the teacher explaining the lesson for today, which was just worksheets she was handing out. She said we could work in partners, as long as we were quiet. Then she glared at a group of boys who were known for being loud.

The class scattered noisily, prompting Ms. Perez to clear her throat. I looked down at the concept map on my desk, rummaging in my bag for a pencil.

"Evan," a voice said next to me. Angry and dark. I knew that voice.

I looked up, scared but excited. He didn't sound happy, but at least he was talking to me.

"Co- Zoe! Zo-Zoe, hi! Uh, listen, I'm really sorry about before," I said, leaning away from the very angry fist she was making. I forgot that Zoe was in this class, though I should have figured it wasn't Connor seeing as he wasn't.

"Sorry about the fact that you cheated on my brother?" Zoe scoffed, crossing her arms and glaring down at me.

"We weren't actually dating," I said. Every time I had to explain to someone what was going on, I swore I lost another year off my life span. At this rate I was gonna die at the ripe old age of tomorrow.

"I know but you still went behind his back and hurt him." She was right. As much as I wanted to deny it, deny the fact that I'd ever caused the person I loved most pain, it was true. I'd hurt Connor.

"No, I mean me and Jared. We weren't actually dating," I explained.

Zoe was silent for a moment, arms crossed and staring at me distrustfully. Her eyes bore into mine, searching for a scrap of dishonesty. I looked right back.

"Really?" she asked finally, voice hinting at concession.

"Yeah. He made it up to get back at me. I'm sorry," I said, quietly. I don't know why I had ever thought I was right. When Connor had walked up to me I was convinced that I hadn't done anything wrong. And I'd hurt him in my obliviousness and arrogance.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Zoe watched me for a second, and I fidgeted under her intense stare. No wonder I'd thought she was Connor. Those two were alike in ways I don't even think they noticed.

"So you and Connor aren't talking?" she asked.

"Unfortunately, no. My ego was too big and I ruined everything," I sighed. I didn't want to go into further detail because, honestly, it was humiliating. I had been so sure that all I had to do was explain what had happened, that I hadn't even considered how he had felt about being betrayed like that.

"You guys have been friends for a while, right?" Zoe asked, almost rhetorically. She knew the answer. How could she not? I've bumped into her countless times at the Murphy's house when I was still friends with Connor.

"Yeah," I said, though it sounded more like a question than an answer.

"So you know about his... issues?" She questioned, gingerly.

I blinked at her for a moment. Out of all the things I'd expected her to ask, that wasn't one of them.

"That's kind of a rude way of putting it. He has a mental illness so his anger isn't-"

"No! No, I didn't mean that. I mean like his depression and stuff," she frantically explained, waving her arms fervently. "You know about that right?"

"Well, yeah," I said, sensing there was something else she wanted to say.

"Okay." Instead of elaborating, she just nodded her head and looked down, biting her lip like she was thinking. Something was wrong.

"Is everything okay? Is Connor alright?" I asked when it became clear Zoe wasn't going to say anything. She watched me for a second, a sorrowful look in her eyes.

"I don't know," she whispered, voice strained and heavy with worry.

"What? What do you mean you don't know? Is he okay? I just saw him a few days ago and I thought that something was off but I didn't say anything because he told me to never talk to him again, oh my god, I haven't seen him at school, is he alright? This is all my fault, oh shit-"

"Woah, slow down," Zoe chuckled, holding up a hand. I swallowed hard and nodded.

"Sorry."

"'S fine. But he's just seemed off lately. Usually when he's in a funk he's irritable and withdrawn, but he's back to normal eventually." The end of her sentence hung in the air, the invisible 'but' trailing.

"But?" I asked, and she looked at me helplessly.

"This isn't one of Connor's normal depressive episodes. He's not angry," Zoe explained.

"Isn't that good? Like the whole goal, everything he's worked towards is so that he isn't angry?" I asked. Her eyes were lost, and she shook her head slightly, such a small motion I almost missed it.

"He's not just not angry. He's not sad or happy or anything. He's hollow and borderline unresponsive. Evan, it's terrifying. It's like I'm living with a fucking walking corpse. I'm not even sure he's gonna get better," Zoe murmured, voice dancing on the edge of breaking.

"Wha- what do you mean?" I asked. I didn't want to know. There was nothing I could do, I couldn't fix this. Connor didn't want me to fix this. He didn't want me.

"I'm scared he's gonna try and kill himself again," Zoe confessed, the fear she'd been trying to hide showing on her face.

My world slowed down, and I faintly heard a ringing in my ears. When everything sped back up, the only thing I could think was again.

"Again? What do you, what do you mean again?" I asked, my voice harsh with the effort of keeping it quiet as to not annoy my already fed up teacher.

Zoe opened her mouth as if she was going to to answer, before closing it again. She smiled at me, faint and apologetic.

"It's not my place to tell you. If Connor wanted to you know then you already would've," she said.

"Zoe! Please, this isn't the time!" I pleaded, ignoring the burning sensation that was building behind my eyes.

"I'm sorry, but I can't. You know I can't."

It was clear she wasn't going to cave. I deflated, tiredly running a hand through my hair.

"It's okay. I shouldn't have pressed. You're right. So why are you even telling me all of this? Connor and I aren't even friends anymore." I felt bad. I'd further betrayed Connor by asking Zoe about something that wasn't any of my business. I truly was a terrible friend.

"I told you because he still cares about you. Obviously," she said, a hint of exasperation in her tone. I shrunk into myself.

"He told me he never wanted to see me again."

"Oh, I'm... sorry."

"No, no no it's fine, I deserved it. Anyways, just continue. Forget I interrupted," I backtracked, not wanting to be pitied. It was my fault anyways.

"The point is, he... I just. The words I'm trying to say aren't the words that are coming out. He's not just like this because of what you did. Connor's upset that you're gone. He misses you." That couldn't be true.

"Why would he miss me? He hates me," I asked, huffing a laugh that was strained and self-loathing. Zoe gave me an unimpressed look.

"Will you please come see him?" She asked. And I almost wanted to say no.

"When?" I sighed, and Zoe's face lit up with a smile.

"After school, today. I can drive you over. Thank you so much. He's scaring me and I just. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to lose my brother."

"You won't, I promise," I assured her. Our teachers voice boomed throughout the classroom before we could say anything else.

"This is your 3rd warning, boys! Since you can't be quiet, everyone needs to go back to their desks and do the worksheet alone." The class erupted into groans, everyone filing back to their seats.

"Meet me in the student parking lot after school," Zoe whispered, before going back to her desk. I nodded a confirmation to her.

The rest of the class dragged on slowly. Physics was already one of the dullest things in the world, but it felt like centuries before the bell rang.

I was still processing what Zoe had told me. Connor, my Connor, had tried to kill himself. When? Was it when we were friends? I'd never told him about what happened over the summer. No one knew about that.

Finally, I was in the parking lot, being beckoned over by Zoe. I smiled nervously.

"I'm sorry for kind of pushing you into this," Zoe said, and I waved away her apology. "I know this is a lot of pressure, but I think you're the only one who can fix this. I tried, and I don't even think Connor can hear me. He's like a robot."

"It's okay, seriously. I really care about him and I know he would do the same for me," I reassured her, and she nodded a tight-lipped smile in thanks.

Now all I had to do was sit back and try to contain the amount of feelings I was experiencing. And while I was at it, apologize for being an ass.


	18. Chapter 18: "Finale"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of suicide again oops lol

The reality of the situation seemed to sink in as the car jerked to a stop. I wasn't prepared for this. I'd dealt with Connor's depressive episodes before, sure. I've been screamed at then sobbed on 2 minutes later, as he desperately tried to assure me that he didn't mean it. Not that I ever thought he did in the first place.

But he'd never hated me before. He'd never told me he never wanted to talk to me again before. How was I supposed to walk in there when there was a chance that he wouldn't even look at me?

"This is it," Zoe announced, parking the car. Her voice wavered slightly, like a mirage. She was nervous. We didn't know how this would go, and I had the feeling that I was her last hope. Especially considering the animosity that clouded her tone when she approached me during class.

"This is it," I parroted, staring up at Connor's window. As much as I wanted think that I didn't know what would happen, I did. He hated me, and I deserved it. I would hate myself too. I do hate myself. I'd hurt him, then I hurt him more.

"I'm gonna wait down here in the car in case you need an escape, alright?" Zoe said, a knowing glimmer in her eye. What she meant was, 'I'll be down here if he shoves you again'.

"Thank you." My body was shaking as I walked towards the door. I knew I was just going to confirm what Connor already knew if I walked in there; he hated me. But if there was a chance that I could draw him out of this, then I would have to try.

I meant what I said when I said he would do the same for me. I knew he would. Maybe not after what I'd done, but before that. Connor wasn't perfect, but at his core he was as selfless as could be.

"Zoe?" I called back, and she rolled down the window.

"Yeah?"

"You're a good sister you know that? He really cares about you." She smiled at me, a dazzling and genuine smile.

"Thank you," she said softly. I nodded and grinned, turning back to the door. Hand shaking, I knocked on the door.

"It's unlocked," Zoe called from the car. I turned beet-red.

"Right! Right, sorry," I stuttered, and quickly slipped into the house. I closed the door, cutting off the sound of Zoe's laugh.

The house was quiet. The kind of quiet that sinks into your bones and bogs you down, dragging you with it. A melancholy silence, filling you with desolation.

The sounds of my footsteps sounded like cannon shots in the harrowing quiet. I felt like an inmate on my way to my execution. I was walking towards my doom and had no choice but to continue.

Finally, I stood before Connor's door. I knocked against the door, three short raps, my hand slick with sweat. The piercing silence held its breath while I waited for a response from the other side. 

"Fuck off," a voice grumbled, muffled. My chest rose as I shakily inhaled, psyching myself up.

"C-Connor? It's me. Uh, Evan. Can I come it? I just wanna... talk. And. And apologize," I stammered.

I wasn't met with an answer.

"I'm. I'm coming in. If you wanna stop me just, like, say something. Or, or yell, or I dunno punch me," I said, half-heartedly going for a joke. Once again, I was faced with nothing. "Okay, I'm coming in."

Connor didn't make a move to let me in, but he also never told me to go away. I slowly pushed the door open, my hand shaking like a leaf.

Connor's bedroom was so different from the last time I saw it. Clothes were littered everywhere, hanging over his curtain rods and strewn across the floor.

His bookshelf, his beloved bookshelf, was on its side, books spilling out. I saw several paperbacks who's spines would never recover.

But, no matter how unkempt and disheveled, the room was undoubtedly Connor's. It felt like him, smelled like him. I would recognize it anywhere.

He was watching me. Vacant. Terrified. Tired. Half hidden under the duvet, defensive.

"Hi," I whispered, scared to shatter the silence that was holding us together. At my words, at my trying and wavering grin, Connor broke.

He turned from me, looking small and exhausted. His lower lip was quivering, and his face was scrunched in an attempt to hold back the tears that were slipping through. Panicked, I rushed over.

"Oh, no. Don't cry, I'm sorry, no. I. Can I... is it... would you hate me if I touched you?" I asked, keeping my distance. Connor gave me a watery glare.

"No, I'm fine," he rasped thickly, leaning away from my outstretched hand.

"Oh. I- Okay. What do you want me to do? How can I help?" I pressed. I caused this, I needed to help fix it too.

"Nothing! I'm fine!" Connor insisted, pressing his back against the headboard in an effort to get as far away from me as possible.

"O-okay." I watched him. Watched as he gasped for air, watched as he feverishly wiped away tears that just kept on coming. It didn't seem like it would be stopping soon.

"Are you okay?" I asked when Connor's chest starting heaving desperately. His head snapped up to glare at me.

"Yes!" He yelled. His voice wavered though, and his glare softened into a terrified stare. Cautiously, I moved to sit next to him on the bed. He didn't push me away.

"Can I touch you?" I asked, expecting to be shoved. To be kicked out, or yelled at. Instead, after a hesitant moment spent holding my breath, Connor nodded. I gingerly placed my hand on his knee.

"Is this okay?" I asked, and he nodded. I moved my hand up to his shoulder.

"... Is this okay?" I repeated, and once again, he nodded. Slowly, I wrapped my arm around his shoulder.

"... Is-" I started to ask, but he laughed dryly and harshly.

"For fuck's sake, c'mere," he murmured, collapsing into my chest, fitting like he was meant to be there. I enveloped him in my arms, burying my face into the top of his head.

"I'm so sorry. I can't believe how I acted before, I'm so sorry. That was so unbelievably wrong of me," I mumbled into his hair, squeezing him tightly. He had to know. I needed him to know that I knew how wrong I was.

He didn't have to forgive me. I didn't deserve forgiveness. He just needed to know that I would change what I did if I could.

"Yeah. It was," Connor agreed softly. I could feel his tears soaking into my shirt, and I held onto him tighter. As if he would vanish if I let go.

"I can't believe I hurt you this much. I'm so sorry," I whispered. I could feel him trembling against me, breaking my heart. He didn't deserve this. I rubbed his back in an effort to calm him down, and he melted against me.

"I know you are," Connor purred, curling up further even though we were already impossibly close. Wrapped around each other so much it was hard to tell where one ended and the other began.

"I'm so sorry." Quietly, he laughed.

"If you say 'I'm sorry' one more time we're gonna have problems," he said, amusement tinging his tone. I was ecstatic that he was smiling but I still felt guilt tying my stomach into knots.

"Seriously, I really am sorry. I was so positive that if I explained everything then it would all be fine. I never stopped to realize that I was betraying your trust. 'Communication is key to healthy relationships' and all that."

"That sounds like something your mom would say," said Connor, and I laughed.

"She did! She did, and Alana too. I told her what had happened and she told me to tell you and I was going to but it was too late," I grinned.

"Mmm. She's smart like that," he hummed into my chest. I closed my eyes and nodded.

"She is." For a moment the only sound was our breathing, rising and falling in verbatim. I was content with that. This was more than I dared wished for when I came in.

"So... relationships?" Connor asked, and I paused for a moment, processing.

"Oh. Oh, I mean like any relationships like friendships too and stuff, I'm sorry," I rushed, stumbling over my words.

To my dismay, Connor pulled away from me. For a moment I thought I'd ruined everything, before I saw the glimmer in his eye.

"So you're saying you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me?" he asked, sitting up but still in my lap. My heart stopped in shock. I looked at him for an eternity.

"I never said that," I said, carefully and lowly. Connor's face split into a smile, beautiful and breathtaking.

"So you're saying you would?" he excitedly asked.

Everything was telling me that he liked the kiss. Everything except for the fact that he didn't kiss me back.

A tiny part of my brain was screaming at me, telling me he didn't like me. I was misunderstanding. In what world does Connor Murphy like Evan Hansen?

"Did you hate the kiss?" I blurted. He blinked at me, looking confused and crestfallen.

"What?"

"I need to know. Because there is no going back after I answer, okay, no matter what happens things aren't gonna be the same after I answer. Did you hate the kiss?" I repeated.

"No. Not at all. Did you?" he asked, and I took a shaky breath. He liked the kiss. I kissed Connor, and he liked it. I nodded, not bothering to suppress the smile I felt growing.

Hesitantly, Connor's eyes flickered from my eyes to my hands to my lips to my eyes. He bit his lip, and reached for my hand. For once, I didn't worry about sweat. I was worrying about whether or not my breath smelled bad or if my mouth tasted weird or if my lips were chapped.

"Why did you run then?" he whispered. Electricity crackled in the air, giving me goosebumps. I could feel it. It was finally going to happen soon.

"I was scared. Terrified, actually. I thought you hated me. I thought I ruined everything. I was a coward and didn't want to face rejection," I answered shamefully.

"Why would you think I hated you?" Connor asked, slightly alarmed. He moved closer to me, legs straddling my waist.

"Well, for starters, you didn't kiss me back. And I just thought you didn't like me like that. I mean, why would you?" I said, chuckling self-deprecatingly.

"Why wouldn't I? Evan Hansen, when have I done anything except love you?"

My eyes widened. Not just at the use of the 'L' word, but at the way he tilted his forehead against mine.

The world stopped. I tried holding eye contact, looking into his dark eyes, but the anxiety got the best of me so instead of looking away I closed my eyes.

Blood rushed through my head, roaring in my ears. I could sense Connor's hesitance, so I leaned forward and gently pressed my lips against his.

Instantly, I felt hands wrap around my head and back. Our noses brushed against each other, and I melted into his arms.

This moment that I'd been dreaming of since forever. It was here. I smiled into the kiss. Our mouths moved slowly in sync. I was lost in the rhythm we made, wrapping my arms around his neck.

When we pulled away for air, I smiled into my lap, picking at a string in the comforter. I wanted so badly to throw myself at him and kiss him again, but I still had a burning question.

"Why didn't you talk to me after? Why did you wait so long?" I asked softly. That was the only part I couldn't figure out, the only piece of this confusing puzzle that was missing.

"You were scared. I didn't want to spook you anymore, so I just figured I'd let you come to me," Connor replied, climbing out of my lap. I furrowed my eyebrows and looked at him, distressed.

He rolled his eyes and laughed at me, flopping down on the bed. Amusement danced in his eyes, and his hair fanned out across the pillow. I smiled, absentmindedly shaking my head.

"I thought I'd ruined everything," I mumbled and laid down next to him. Connor's eyes softened and he reached a hand over to smooth down my hair.

"I'm sorry I let you run." His eyes looked so sad, so forlorn.

"Don't apologize for that. I'm sorry for surprising you like that," I said. He snorted, and the sadness was gone. In its place was pure fondness.

"Can we just agree to stop apologizing?" he asked, sounding like he was only half joking. I laughed and nodded.

Eternal seconds passed by, spent just staring at each other. I would never get tired of this. This privilege to touch and taste and watch and feel him.

"We've kissed twice now," I blurted.

"Wanna make it a third?" Connor asked slyly, and I nodded eagerly. His hands cupped my face and brought me closer. This time it was more steady, more sure.

Connor drew back, smiling ever so softly at me. I had never kissed anyone before him. Never had a girlfriend or boyfriend before this, even back in elementary and middle school when everyone tossed around words without meaning.

Was Connor my boyfriend? We'd never actually said the words 'boyfriend' or 'dating'. He said he loved me, but don't people say that to their friends all the time?

"Are we okay?" I asked, prompting him to raise his eyebrows in bemusement.

"This isn't a coming-of-age movie. We've already established that I don't hate you," he replied flatly, brushing a gentle hand along my cheekbone. I melted into his touch.

"What I mean is, do you... I don't wanna assume, but, are we... something?" I questioned hesitantly.

"Do you want to be something?" Connor asked. We'd been dancing around each other for so long, and even when we'd already confessed we couldn't help but beat around the bush.

"I've wanted us to be something for so long," I whispered. He smiled and gently rested a hand on the side of my face.

"To be clear you're asking if we're dating now, right?" he asked, and I giggled and swatted at his hand playfully.

"Yes!"

"I was making sure," Connor said, mock exasperated. I watched him laugh and smile, and it reminded me of what Zoe said. Of what we thought was going to happen.

"I was so worried," I admitted, not entirely meaning to say it out loud.

"About what?" he asked. I hesitated. I didn't know if I should say anything, because I didn't want it to come out patronizing. I knew Connor hated being treated like a kid and he was prone to thinking the worst. We both were.

"You," I said simply. He laughed, confused.

"Why were you worried about me?"

"Zoe recruited me to come over. She was scared for you, and I was too," I explained. His eyes narrowed.

"So you're only here because my sister asked?" asked Connor, a bite to his voice. He pulled back slightly, and instead of letting him I reached over and pulled him closer to me.

"Hey. Don't let your brain twist it into something that it's not, okay? I'm here because I care about you and wanted to make sure you were okay. I would have been okay with you kicking me out as soon as I stepped foot in here, as long as I knew you were alright."

Thoughts whizzed around in my brain. I tried not to panic, to give in to the pessimism and think that I ruined everything. He watched me for a moment, before a small grin took over his face.

"What, did you think I was dead?" Connor asked, harmlessly. My breath caught in my throat and I accidentally let out a small strangled gasp. I looked away.

"Evan..." he whispered, pulling me into a hug. I buried my face into his shoulder, partly for the contact, partly so that maybe my next words would come out muffled and he wouldn't hear them.

"Zoe said you tried to kill yourself before," I said. I could tell from the way he pulled away and looked at me, emotions hidden like a poker players cards, that it was true.

"She wouldn't tell me anything else about it. She said that was for you to say," I rushed out, making sure he didn't get mad at the wrong person for this. Instead, he remained silent. "Connor?"

"I didn't want you to know. I didn't want you to know how monumentally fucked in the head I am. You'd run away and never look back," he choked out, a small tear running down his face.

"Hey, hey. Don't cry. Okay, I'm not going anywhere. Ever. I'd never judge you for something like that," I assured him, wiping his tears away. He latched into me, tears streaming down his face. It was silent, and I let him cry it out until he was ready to speak.

"I'm sorry for crying all over you," Connor muttered, leaning away from me. He refused to look me in the eye, choosing instead to feebly glare at his wall.

"I thought we said to stop apologizing," I said, teasing him to lighten the mood. Instead, he just shook his head. "Can you tell me about... what happened? If you're okay with it. I don't want to press you."

Maybe I'd pushed too far. He didn't respond. Just when I'd thought that maybe I should say something, apologize perhaps, he turned back towards me.

Eyes downcast, Connor leaned his forehead on my shoulder. I pet his hair, and he sighed before talking.

"Sophomore year. I downed a bunch of pills and cut my wrists to shit. Wasn't bad enough that I had to get hospitalized, so my parents still don't know. Stayed home 'sick' for a few days."

Sophomore year. We weren't friends yet, then. I closed my eyes to fend off the tears that were welling. We were friends last summer, though.

"I just felt so wrong. It felt like everything and everyone was against me. I kept delaying it at first for a bunch of stupid reasons. Like a new season of a show was coming out, or I wanted to listen to my favorite song one more time. Until I finally realized. There would always be little reasons stay. But there would also always be big reasons to go," he said, voice wobbling at the end.

I pressed a reassuring kiss into the top of his head, tears slowly dripping down my face. I wiped them away before he could see them.

"I'm so sorry you went through that. I'm so sorry," I murmured into his hair, but he wasn't done.

"I told Zoe one night when I was drunk. Our parents had left for some fancy event and I'd picked the lock on my dads liquor cabinet."

"I'm so sorry," I repeated. He'd felt so low, my Connor felt so low that he tried to take his own life. And I couldn't be more thankful that he was still here with me, even if he was getting tears all over my shirt.

"Don't be sorry. It's not like we were friends back then or anything," he said.

He's right. We weren't friends when he tried to kill himself.

"Evan?"

But we were friends when I did.

"Would it have made a difference if we had been friends?" I asked hoarsely. How could I have been so selfish?

"What do you mean?" he questioned, sounding worried. All these months, I'd been pushing away the guilt of what I'd done. I'd created a dam in my mind, holding back the flood. But now that I knew what Connor had done, the dam broke and I did too.

"Ev, what's wrong?" Connor asked again, sitting up to look at me. But I wouldn't look at him. I couldn't.

"Do you remember- do you remember when I broke my arm?" I stuttered, squeezed my eyes shut. I could still feel him staring at me.

"Evan," he said quietly, his voice fragile. I shook my head at nothing in particular.

"When I f-fell. From the tree. And I broke my arm," I added. I could fell a sob begin to tear it's way through my throat, and I swallowed it. I was pathetic enough as it was.

"Oh my god."

"I let go," I whimpered, and this time it was Connor who held me while I cried. I fell apart, sadness and grief and regret tearing me into pieces. He held me together.

"How did I not know?" he whispered to himself.

"I never told you. I never told anyone," I said, curling into myself. Hiding from myself. From the shame of what I'd tried to do.

"I'm here. I'll be here. Forever. I'm not leaving you, Hansen," Connor promised. The emotion and determination in his voice shook me to my core. And I didn't doubt what he said for a second.

"I'm sorry," I apologized, and I felt the tips of his hair brush my cheek as he shook his head.

"Never be sorry about that. I'm the one who should be sorry. I saw that you were going through a hard time and obviously didn't help you as much as I could have."

The guilt that had started to recede at Connor's words like a wave on the shore came crashing back down on me.

"Don't blame yourself. Please," I begged. He sighed and ran his fingers through my hair.

"I didn't mean to make it sad, I'm sorry," he said.

"We both made it sad," I said, and he chuckled, chest rumbling underneath my head.

To think, earlier today I had been panicking over whether or not Connor hated me or if he would even speak to me. And now here I was, curled up with my boyfriend. I needed to remember to thank Zoe later.

"Shit," I gasped and sat up. I looked around for my phone, before remembering that it was still in my backpack.

"What?" Connor asked, startled. I tried to climb out of his embrace so I could grab my phone but he stopped me.

"I should text Zoe," I said.

"Why?" he asked, confused. And defensive.

"She's waiting in case things went south and I needed to leave," I explained, and a shadow passed over Connor's face.

"You mean in case I started yelling at you?" he asked, sounding upset. I couldn't tell whether it was at me or himself.

"More like in case I was too ashamed of what I'd done and left before I could even open the door," I said, once again moving to get off the bed, but he stopped me.

Instead, he stepped out and padded towards his window. He opened it and leaned out. I watched him wave madly at Zoe's car, before he suddenly stopped and gave her a thumbs up. I snorted as he closed the window and dropped back next to me, satisfied.

"I need to let my mom know I'm here in case she's home," I said, smiling.

"You can do that later," he groaned, pulled me next to him. He was not making this easy for me.

"She's gonna get worried, Con," I whispered, and he shook his head stubbornly.

"I've been waiting for almost a year to do this. Do not take this moment away from me," he complained, and I laughed harder.

"I'm just gonna send one text massage, drama queen."

"No," Connor firmly said, wrapping his arms around my arm and looking at me pointedly.

"Ok, I guess I'll just go then, since I can't ask my mom to stay longer," I sighed and pretended to be defeated, knowing he'd crack. I was right.

"Wait! Wait. Ok, fine. But be quick, please?" he whined, and I laughed. This was a new side to Connor that I hadn't seen. Clingy Connor. I liked it.

"Wow, it's almost as if you like me," I said dryly, sitting up and stretching.

"Haha, very funny. Excuse me if I want to be with my boyfriend who I've been pining after for centuries. Speaking of which, come here," he said, then pulled me back into a kiss.

I was happy to oblige. The text could wait a minute.

"I love doing that. We should do that more often," I breathlessly said when we parted.

"Definitely," Connor whispered. He didn't take his eyes off me as I walked over to my bag and dug inside, before texting my mom.

Minutes passed as I waited for a response. It could be hours before she texted back. I looked up to see Connor still watching me, an affectionate smile on his face. I wiggled my eyebrows at him and he burst into giggles. My phone buzzed.

"My mom said I have to be home in a few hours," I read out between laughter. Connor frowned at me.

"That's not enough time," he complained, opening his arms to me as I walked back to the bed.

"We have school tomorrow," I reminded him, fitting into Connor's side as he wrapped his arms around me. He grumbled under his breath, but quickly became quiet as I tucked my head under his chin.

"M' tired," I mumbled, his heartbeat thumping against my ear.

"We can just sleep until you have to leave," Connor suggested. I yawned, and nodded.

"Yeah," I agreed. He reached over and pulled the blanket over us, and I nuzzled into his chest.

The universe couldn't be all that bad seeing as it had brought me here. In the arms of the person I loved most, and who loved me back. It wasn't quite a happy ending, but it was definitely a happy beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so like i wrote this on Wattpad and released it chapter by chapter but on AO3 i just kind of sat down at 1 am and imported it over once i finished writing it. i'll probably do that with my next book, which will be treebros and will be released chapter by chapter on Wattpad. my username is bologna-virus.


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